I have been thinking about this for a long time. It all comes down to the following: "We are unhappy, because we cannot have what we want." What a magnificent problem! Truly divine.

Now, lets analyze it: The human is full of desires and coveting. It takes years and years to finally figure what it really wants. And finally, when it "understands" what it wants, it sees that the object of its desire exists, but it is nowhere to be found.

Let's stop and examine this for a moment. Why is it that we don't have what we really want? Are we unworthy? or maybe we don't deserve it. But if this is the case, we should not be aware of its existence to begin with. Why is it that we are made aware of the existence of our object of desire? Hmmm, to make us seek it? Interesting...

To what length are you willing to go to obtain the object of your desire? Are u willing to kill for it? But if you kill, you go to jail and you miss the whole point. To continue fighting? And it will come to you? Is it because somebody is trying to see if we are willing to continue fighting for what we want? If this was the case, SOME at least people would have had the privilege to obtain what they wanted.

I have met no such people. Everybody i know, wants something more. Maybe the object of our desires is an illusion, because it continuously shifts to being a higher object when we get what we want. Familiarity brings contempt. True? Maybe. But it seems its a never ending cycle. It never fucking ends, and we covet continuously. Look at the baby. Its first movement is to acquire. When it cannot, it cries. Are we babies still? What are we? are we demons who are never satisfied with anything? What happens when we acquire what we REALLY want? Boredom? Is this really true?

Even so, hasn't life succeeded in experiencing SOME form of consciousness through the life form that has made an effort to acquire? So why is it important? Who the fuck cares if i blow my brains out when i am bored? I have GOTTEN what i wanted and now i am terminating it. Why would it make such a difference to the global organism? The organism does not give a rat's ass about individual life forms. It is as much impersonal as it is remorseless. It looks at the global end result, not at individual casualties. YET, it is VERY concerned about experiences from individuals, because it helps it understand its own complexity and needs.

The question is WHY are we made aware of what we want only to NOT be able to have it? This is the most fucking difficult problem i have encountered. Is it because of some grand disillusionment of "wanting" to continue to fight for acquisition? You know, you can spend a lifetime trying to acquire what you want, be it money, or a woman, or a piano, or something else.

Society has organized the collective need for acquisition into grouping itself with specialization. When we want a bicycle, thank god we can go to the Sports mart and get it. But what is the fucking point of desiring something that has not yet been grouped into some form of available good? Better yet, WHY am i aware of such a need, if i cannot acquire?

What's the fucking point? Does there seem to be a logical explanation to it? Being aware of a need that cannot be acquired, reminds me lots of the lab rat. It appears as if we are lab rats in some great maze, where we are trying to acquire our "food". Yes, the experiment subject has become aware of the experimenter. Do "they" want that? Is it something they enjoy? They seem to be observing very diligently our behavior, and seem to be filtering out unwanted noise by separating the subjects that "want" vs the subjects that "don't care". Which are the favored ones? and WHY on earth is it important to them? You know, "they" are subjects too, the fucking assholes, what they don't realize, is that by experimenting on us, they covet information themselves and they get it by experimenting on us. THEY want too!

But lets return to us. The effect of having a subject being aware of its desire and NOT being able to have it, is psychologically detrimental. It forces major depression, not to mention desire for self-termination. I have seen experiments where male lab monkeys were put side to side-in separate cages-with their loved female being fucked by another male, and them bashing their heads against the walls of the cage in utter despair.  After some really intense anger, the male seeing that there was nothing it could do, it abandoned all efforts and silently fell into a deep state of depression, not wanting to eat or continue living. It died a couple of days after the incident, refusing to eat. But lets not try to assume that "they" - please understand that i am talking about the greater organism, not some alien entity, although this might be a possibility as well- are evil.

Help me understand the main question. Why would they have us being aware of the object of our desires if we are unable to get it? Can you come up with some viable non-evil explanation? Let's try again... Not being able to come close to the object of your desire can only increase your drive for life. Hmmm, i don't think so. I think it breeds emotions of total abandonment and desire for self-termination. So that's out. What else? They are trying to see how "far" one can go. But, we assumed that it is impossible to get it, so it doesn't make sense to be investigating the effort, UNLESS it is possible to succeed. Aha! so they are filtering out potential winners in the struggle to survive. But this assumes that there IS some chance of success. Well, that's the crucial point, that they don't know the future themselves, so they cannot know in advance if there is a chance of success. So it appears its an open question even for them.

But even the last one is not true. I have had examples of totally illogical prediction happen in my life, which means that they DO have some control over future events. So, if they do, that contradicts the fact that they don't know about our success in advance. They, therefore can affect the quantum events in our favor if they want to. I have had many examples where i was stuck in an impossible situation, only to find the solution coming externally, from them. So they CAN help, if they want to. But WE don't have any control of our future, so its a double bluff experiment for us. They can know the outcome, but we cannot, therefore having us trying, can only benefit us, by convincing us of our own determination. It is the only plausible non-evil explanation i can come up with. All the other ones are evil. Like they are really trying to filter out the good survivors vs the weak ones. I.e. pick the best rats. But even this is totally relative, because so many different people exist with so many different objects of desire. Sometimes they can introduce variant elements unpredictably in your quest, with sole purpose to test you if you can handle the situation. Let me give u an example: I fell in love with a woman recently who had many of the attributes that i jokingly enumerated in one of my previous post. She was very close to the woman of my dreams, in fact she may be the one, but i will never know now. They introduced two very stressful and dissonant elements into the game. She is living in the other end of the world, and she has kids from another marriage. The first is bypassable and solvable. The second one, is not. I cannot reconcile myself with the idea of befriending or fathering the genes of another man. My brain was eventually made into a battle ground, where there were two memes proliferating. That of my desire and love for her and that of her having kids that i did not want. The negative memes won, and i will not get to know her better, because i made a conscious choice that i don't want kids from another marriage. As a result of making this decision, i have given up on about 7 or 8 good attributes that I REALLY wanted, plus i have now to suppress my love for her, which is tremendously painful, because of one intermittent and unpredictable element in the situation.

It appears as though they are not interested in having us engage ideally in any pure desire, without introducing an unknown factor that complicates things further. My only conclusion from that is that essentially they are experimenting with us more or less. They are trying to figure out what is it that makes us tick and what can we do for something that we really want. It appears as though the object of our desires can only be acquired at the expense of dealing with unfavorable circumstances that get carried along with that object. Does this make it more interesting? Some of you may say yes, some no. It really depends on the way you look at it. But this way, ANY object of desire is essentially unattainable, if you look at the negative side of it. Maybe they filter out the ones that really can deal with the adversities that accompany the object, so that they can be put in some advantageous position later on.

Imagine for a second the following scenario: You finally find the woman of your dreams, only to find out along with that that she has been fucked by another man and that she has kids from him. Forgive me for being blunt, but lets try to analyze the situation more closely. Why have you been made aware of the situation? What's the point? There are two contrasting views in the above example: 1) love and desire is strong enough to bypass the difficulties. Even the existence of the kids? Yes, even that. Ideally, as a good human, you should be able to recognize the fact that this woman has tried to do her best and simply chose the wrong guy. You can love her kids, because they are an extension of her. Easy? you tell me. The contrasting view: 2) I am a sucker trying to even think that i will ever be happy fathering kids that are not mine. They are, foreign genes after all, and i am not responsible for them. But, in essence, we are ALL suckers, for being alive and here to begin with.

So, what's the point in me becoming involved in this situation? I think it's simple. They cannot really understand our list of priorities when it comes to our desires, and are making detailed lists of what really interests us. However, by introducing a heavily negative element into the play, they simply have a way to measure HOW MUCH you really want something. You SAY you want it, but HOW MUCH do you really want it? Are u ready to deal with the negatives of the situation? If you are, then it was TRUE that you really wanted it. Bravo. You can now have it. If you don't have the power to deal with the negatives, you don't actually want it.

So, the whole process is nothing more than a testing ground for US figuring out what we really want. Yet, i find the process of filtering deplorable. It can stress your mind to the limit, but they are only interested in which memes are going to proliferate in any adverse situation. Having opposing memes in your brain, can be quite detrimental. The memes can literally dislodge your brain to total incapacity. It is a battle ground similar to the actual battle for survival. A meme does not get obliterated that easily. It can loose one battle, but it can return with a vengeance, stronger than before, and attack the opposing meme even harder. The opposing meme can be momentarily defeated, but it has its own survival mechanisms as well.

The battle will last at least 2 to 3 months, by which time the strongest meme will proliferate. The weaker meme, not having any more chances, turns against its host and causes severe pain. It has lost the meme battle, but it still draws energy from its own neural junctions that you have created and it attacks the host. Seeing that it has no hope of survival, it simply attempts to commit meme-suicide. Before doing so, it attacks the host, by bringing past memories into play. This is the worst part, as sometimes the memories are very intense.

The meme-suicide, resembles our anguish when we commit suicide, trying to kill god along the way, and cursing him while we are in pain. Another example of recursive descent fractal mechanisms of nature, where the objects in nature on larger scales, resemble objects in smaller scales. Finally, memes and desires are linked, that's why i diverged into memes. A meme is responsible for the object of desire to begin with. Excluding very low level desires, such as procreation, eating, shitting and health, the rest are pretty much guided by memes. Thus the only possible explanation I can see of why we cannot get what we want, is because we either don't want it really, or we are not ready to face the consequences from dealing with the externalization of a specific meme. It still appears to me as though "something" or "someone" of higher form, is guiding those things, and is trying to determine the "power" of certain memes in our brains. It still does not sound friendly to me. And it still sounds like a very complex experiment with us being the rats. I have to close now, because my depression is starting up.