In the beginning, there was Χάος. Next, The Gods were created, who in turn created man, woman and beast
to fuel their immortality. Then, all of a sudden, a huge, high-speed, red,
flyingPentacle, appeared out of nowhere and started illuminating
The Universe with red color of wavelength 666nm.
When the humans saw the huge and flying, red Pentacle, they were
scared to death and they marveled and pondered: "Who is more powerful? The Gods or
The Pentacle?", so they then proceeded to ask the Great Delphi Oracle, who gave them
the following Laws, as a punishment to their proud curiosity.
Meta-Laws
"The moment you think it's x, it changes to not x" --- Confusius'
Fundamental Meta-Law of Opposite Reversal.
"The best way to predict reality, is to know exactly what you DON'T want" ---
Moracle's Fundamental Meta-Law of Scientific Forecasting.
"Murphy's Law gets suspended ONLY when you start believing in Jesus" --- Miraculas' Fundamental Meta-Law of Human
Experience.
The Universe
"The Universe was created just in order to ANNOY you and to PROVE that you are a
LOSER. If you resist it, it will annoy you MORE and you will be proven a BIGGER
loser. If you stop resisting it, it will STILL annoy you and you will STILL be proven
a loser. Therefore the best path for you is to become immune to its annoyance, accept
that you are a loser anyway and get the f*ck out of its way." --- Purposi's Second
Fundamental Law for The Purpose of Life.
"EVERYTHING in The Universe is ALWAYS against you, directly or indirectly" ---
Sisyphus' Law of Eventual Failure.
"Not only everything in The Universe is against you, but your very best friend,
your self, is ALSO against you" --- Froyd's Forgotten Law of Perverse Psychology.
"The less The Universe knows about YOU, the happier you'll be" --- Cipher's Law
of 'Ignorance is Bliss'.
"The less YOU know about The Universe, the happier you'll be" --- Einstein's
Unproved Conclusion Law.
"The more YOU know about The Universe, the more The Universe knows about YOU" ---
Nerdius's Futility of Scientific Knowledge Law.
"The more YOU know about The Universe, the more DIFFICULT will be for you to make
Money" --- Onassus' Universal Law of
Money.
"You can NEVER know everything about The Universe, but eventually The Universe
finds out EVERYTHING about YOU" --- Dementius' Law of Evil Focus.
"EVERYTHING is known by The Universe. Even things that CANNOT be known by The
Universe" --- Nastius' Law of Evil Knowledge.
"EVERYTHING is controlled by The Universe. Even things that CANNOT be controlled
by The Universe" --- Perversius' Law of Evil Power.
"NOTHING new can be discovered. EVERYTHING has been discovered already by The
Universe" --- Dementious' Law of Evil Knowledge.
"EVERYTHING is possible for The Universe. NOTHING is possible for you" ---
Parafrosinus' Law of Evil Potentiality.
"Human Experience: The years it takes you to roughly understand how The Universe
works. And when you do, you WON'T like it. Or, differently put," --- Trellus'
Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
"Human Experience: The time it takes you to understand that The Universe is
HOSTILE. To you, PERSONALLY" --- Trellus' Alternate Corollary to Moracle's
Fundamental meta-Law.
"The Universe is a wonderful place and full of surprises. Full of BAD surprises"
--- Parafrosinus' Law of Interesting Surprises.
"Occam's Razor: The mistaken axiom that amongst all possible explanations for a
phenomenon, the simplest one is the correct one. In reality, the MOST COMPLEX
explanation is ALWAYS the correct one" --- Occamus' Law of The Unexpected.
"The creatED, is ALWAYS inferior to the CreatING" --- Diatlhaspastikos' Law of
'The Obvious'.
"'Intelligent' (adj.): A life-form which has successfully figured out the full
extent and complexity of the conspiracy that has been set up by The Universe to
manipulate said life-form" --- Intelligentius' Law of Intelligence.
"'SUPER-Intelligent' (adj.): A life-form which has managed to reverse the cards
dealt and has successfully managed to temporarily cheat The Universe, either with
respect to resources or with respect to death" --- Intelligentius' Law of
SUPER-Intelligence.
"ONLY when you realize how much of an IDIOT you are, THEN you can know how much
INTELLIGENT you are" --- Idioti's Law of Unknown Intelligence.
"After you know how much intelligent you are, at least ONE random person will
PROVE that you are an idiot, AGAIN" --- Idioti's Second Law of Unknown
Intelligence.
"If you manage to convince yourself or others you are intelligent, then at least
TEN random people will prove that you are an idiot, publicly" --- Idioti's Third Law
of Unknown Intelligence.
"If you manage to convince yourself or others you are an idiot - through some
gross mistake or another, then at least ONE random idiot will CONFIRM it, publicly"
--- Idioti's Fourth Law of Unknown Intelligence.
"If you remain unsure whether you are an idiot or not, you better remain sure of
and be content with the fact that you are (blessed are the poor in spirit - according
to Jesus)" --- Idioti's Fifth Law of Unknown Intelligence.
"The intelligent THINKS. The SUPER-intelligent uses and consumes entire
intelligences" --- Bourdous' Law of Early Intelligence.
"The Universe is SUPER-INTELLIGENT" --- Bourdous' Law of Late Intelligence.
"If you are super-intelligent, you will have to do battle with the corresponding
super-intelligent EVIL life forms out there. Beware!" --- Evolutionus' Law of Supreme
Intelligence.
"It is best that you don't know what's out there, but unfortunately and
eventually, everything is understandable" --- The author's Law of Supreme
Intelligence.
"THAT, which has given birth to EVERYTHING, i.e., Χάος, is certainly AT
LEAST as (super-)intelligent as man, since it has given birth to the Stars and
Planets, who, in turn have given birth to man, who is, by his own definition,
INTELLIGENT. Therefore," --- Paterius' First Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
"No MATTER the MORAL code of man, that, which has given birth to EVERYTHING, can
be ANYTHING opposite to ANY preconceived idea by man. Therefore AGAIN," --- Paterius'
Second Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
"CAUTION is suggested!! There may be someone or something out there,
who/which may be unimaginably STRONGER and more EVIL than you" --- Paterius' Third
Law of Maximum Allowed Knowledge.
"THAT, which has given birth to everything, has ALREADY created AND installed in
YOUR Universe, your tormentor: someone who's STRONGER,
more INTELLIGENT and MORE EVIL than you. This someone is hunting you down and will
ALWAYS be hunting you down, until you learn how to BEAT him/her" --- Paterius' Fourth
Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
"At any point, your tormentor may materialize out of thin air and someone may
beat the sh*t out of you, for no good reason" --- Virulas' Second Law of
SUPER-Intelligence.
"The PURPOSE of your tormentor is to make you DOUBT your EVERY move and convince
you that you are an idiot, after all" --- Paterius' Fourth Law of
SUPER-Intelligence.
"Learning how to beat your tormentor, takes literally a LIFETIME" --- Paterius'
Fifth Law of Super-Intelligence.
"It isn't fair, is it? It's PRECISELY because it isn't fair, that it is so. Your
only solace to knowing that is that the same holds for your tormentor. He/she has a
tormentor too, because The Universe has already created and installed in EVERYONE's
Universe their corresponding tormentor" --- Paterius' Sixth Law of
Super-Intelligence.
"When, after years and years of struggle, you finally learn to beat your
tormentor, another, STRONGER and more EVIL tormentor than the first one will be
installed for you" --- Paterius' Seventh Law of Super-Intelligence.
"That way, nobody gets any funny ideas about who's REALLY in control" ---
Paterius' Eighth and Ultimate Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
"You ALWAYS have the right to remain silent and do NOTHING, until proven innocent" ---
Paterius' Law for all Practical Legal Purposes.
"In short, there's SOMETHING out there, and the less you know about it, the
happier you'll be" --- Garabam's Law of Maximum Allowed Knowledge.
"Attempting to battle that 'something' using the most powerful means, is a bit
like throwing a loud fire-cracker to an elephant: The fire-cracker is harmless to it
and is likely to annoy the animal with its noise" --- Futilitus' Law of Infinite
Inertia.
"The amount of DIFFICULTY you'll encounter in your life will be directly
proportional to your IQ. Consequently," --- Satanikos' Law of Life's Problems.
"If you are an idiot, your life will be easy. If you are smart, your life will be
full of PROBLEMS. If you are a genius, your life will be IMPOSSIBLE to live.
Consequently," --- First Corollary to Satanikos' Law of Life's Problems.
"If you are a genius, the safest and fastest way to solve your life's problems is
to commit suicide. Or endeavor to follow Miraculas' Law. NOW" --- Second Corollary to
Satanikos' Law of Life's Problems.
"Do WE have ANY weapon against The Universe? Yes, we do! NATURAL STUPIDITY:
Stupid people in large groups, are DANGEROUS even to The Universe itself!" ---
Paparios' Arsenal Against The Universe First Law.
Image Source: Google
"Because The Universe is afraid of stupid people in LARGE GROUPS, an alternative
way to do battle with The Universe, is to endeavor to be stupid. NOW. Start believing
in Jesus, Muhammad, Jehovah or Buddha, for example!" --- Paparios' Arsenal Against
The Universe Second Law.
"The set of all the stupid pelple in The Universe has at LEAST as much power as
The Universe itself" --- Paparios' Arsenal Against The Universe Third Law.
"The Universe has, by MISTAKE, created along with everything ELSE, its own
demise: STUPID PEOPLE in LARGE GROUPS" --- Paparios' Corollary for the Third
Law.
"Until we find out WHY The Universe is afraid of stupid people in large groups,
we have a good chance of SURVIVAL for the time-being, by examining this Universe's
FLAW, scientifically" --- Paparios' Arsenal Against The Universe Fourth Law.
"UNFORTUNATELY, stupid people in large groups are largely UNPREDICTABLE as a
social phenomenon, hence you better HURRY-UP with your solution, whatever it is" ---
Paparios' Arsenal Against The Universe Fifth Law.
"The level of scientific expertise of ANY being, culture or civilization is
directly proportional to its evil intentions" --- Hish's Law of Evil Dominance.
"When you have finally settled down and figured out the
scientific/religious/metaphysical side of it, beware of The Unexpected" --- Pordus'
Law of Maximum Unpredictability.
"A county's breeding rate and its collective intelligence are always in an
inversely proportional relation" --- Genericus' Law of Breeding Rates.
"The average stupidity of any human population as a function of time, always
increases exponentially" --- Gauss' Law of Average Growth of Stupidity.
"It's better to die without descendants than to leave behind offspring who will
continue your legacy of stupidity" --- Ackermann's Corollary to Gauss' Law.
"'Scientist' (noun. plural. Scientists): Someone who always applies reason and
logic and follows Occam's Razor. Hence, someone who is always WRONG" --- Occamus' Law
of Science.
"'Engineer' (noun. plural. Engineers): Someone who can construct ANYTHING by using ANYTHING, by applying ANY available Theory. Hence, someone who is ALWAYS right" --- Occamus' First Law.
of Engineering.
"'Genetic Engineer' (noun. plural. Engineers): Someone who can impregnate even God himself to produce ANY Engineer, as above. Hence," --- Occamus' Second Law.
of Engineering.
"Such a man, is quite an approximant to Jesus Christ or if you prefer, the Second Coming of Jesus Christ" --- Occamus' Third Law of Engineering.
Knowledge & Power
"Book and Computer Program collections, tend to INCREASE in size" --- Booky
Book's First Law of 'Learn More While You Have Time' Law.
"Read everything. Believe NOTHING" --- Booky Book's Second Law of 'Learn More
While You Have Time' Law.
"Your desire for something is inversely proportional to your chances of acquiring
it. For example: In order to receive ANY amount of money, from sales, work, etc, you
have to have absolutely NO desire for money. You can also be sure that you WON'T ever
get married, if you REALLY want to get married, you WON'T ever have kids if you
REALLY want to have kids, etc." --- Desiderius Corollary of Earthly Desires to
Moracle's Law.
"There are two kinds of chess players: Those who KNOW
what might happen to them if they lose and those who don't" --- Fisher's Law of Chess
Champions.
"If you think that there's also always somebody WEAKER than you, you are WRONG"
--- Patatrackious' Perverse Corollary to The Second Law.
"That which knows MORE than you, is always STRONGER than you, mentally AND
physically" --- Pataboom's Perverse Law of Knowledge.
"Your HATE for something/someone is directly proportional to its POWER over you,
mentally AND physically. Consequently," --- Pataboom's First Perverse Corollary to
The 'Love Thy Neighbor' Law.
"Your LOVE for something/someone is directly proportional to your WEAKNESS over
it, mentally and physically" --- Pataboom's Second Perverse Corollary to The 'Love
Thy Neighbor' Law.
"The most POWERFUL force in the universe is THAT, which is HATED the most, BY
most" --- Godon's Fundamental Law of Justice and Power.
"For all practical purposes, you can take the above to be MONEY" --- Murphy's Perverse Corollary to Godon's
Fundamental Law of Justice and Power.
"When (and if) you start loving Money,
all your misfortunes will STILL not go away. In fact, they will become worse" ---
Murphy's Perverse Sub-Corollary to Pataboom's Second Perverse Corollary of Justice
and Power.
"There's a HUGE difference between that which is resting/sleeping because it is
tired and that which does so, because it DOESN'T WANT to be awake. Consequently," ---
Katastrofikus' Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
"You NEVER disturb THAT which looks as if it's resting/sleeping. You may NEVER
know WHO or WHAT it/you may BE or HAVE been in another life" --- Patatrackious'
Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
"The best way to predict the financial status of your future mate, is to know
exactly what you DON'T want your mate's financial status to be" --- Piaget's First
Unknown Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
"The best way to predict the psychological and/or scientific profile of your
future mate, is to know exactly what you DON'T want your mate to be" --- Piaget's
Second Unknown Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
"The best way to predict the psychological and/or scientific profile of your
offspring, is to know exactly what you DON'T want your offspring to become. For
example, if you DON'T want your kid doing drugs, you can be SURE that your kid is
smoking some rogue substance or other, as you read this" --- Piaget's Third Unknown
Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
"The man/woman of your dreams will be Narcissistic" --- Jungus' First Corollary to Moracle's
Fundamental meta-law.
"The girlfriend/boyfriend you want will be Histrionic or Avoidant" --- Jungus' Second Corollary to Moracle's
Fundamental meta-law.
"The girlfriend/boyfriend you DON'T want will be highly social, friendly and a
potentially excellent housewife/husband/cook" --- Jungus' Third Corollary to
Moracle's Fundamental meta-law.
"If the girlfriend/boyfriend you want is social, friendly and a potentially
excellent housewife/husband/cook, she/he will be already married to someone else,
preferably very close to your house" --- Jungus' Fourth Corollary to Moracle's
Fundamental meta-law.
"If you already HAVE the girlfriend/boyfriend you always wanted, she/he will
sooner or later accuse you of being below expectation(s) or insufficient/deficient in
Money making" --- Jungus' Fifth Corollary to
Moracle's Fundamental meta-law.
"If you are happily married to the girlfriend/boyfriend you always wanted, she/he
will ask you to move to another country to improve your financial situation" ---
Murphy's First Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
"If you refuse, she/he will file for divorce and cheat on you" --- Murphy's
Second Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
"If you are even once stressed out and tired, your mate will be Avoidant" --- Murphy's Third Corollary to Moracle's
Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
"If you are rich and powerful, your mate will be Dependent" --- Murphy's Fourth Corollary to Moracle's
Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
"If you are poor, your mate will be Depressive" --- Murphy's Fifth Corollary to Moracle's
Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
"If you are reasonably balanced and healthy, your mate will be Borderline" --- Murphy's Sixth Corollary to Moracle's
Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
"If you are a Psychopath or a criminal, your mate will be psychologically
balanced and admire you as a genius" --- Murphy's Seventh Corollary to Moracle's
Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
"If you are a genius, your mate will be Paranoid or Schizoid or both" --- Murphy's Eighth Corollary to Moracle's
Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
"If you are psychologically balanced and have a great hobby, your mate will be
Passive Aggressive or Sadistic and will label you as Obsessive-Compulsive, in need of treatment" --- Murphy's Ninth
Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
"If you go to treatment for your relationship, you will be prescribed
anti-psychotics" --- Murphy's Tenth Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law in
Psychology.
"If you are strange or have weird habits or abilities, you will be labeled
Schizotypal" --- Murphy's Eleventh Corollary to Moracle's
Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
"If you are prescribed anti-psychotics, your libido will go to null and your mate
will accuse you of sexual insufficiency" --- Murphy's Twelveth Corollary to Moracle's
Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
"If you are overall restrained, conscientious, respectful and EVER display any
sign of verbal abuse against your mate - after losing your patience with her/him, you
will be order-restrained and hospitalized for treatment with anti-psychotics.
Therefore:" --- Murphy's Thirteenth Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law in
Psychology.
"If you feel you are unbalanced psychologically, it's best to forget about
relationships. Note that MOST people in today's society are psychologically
unbalanced (read: f*cked-up), one way or another. Therefore:" --- Murphy's First
Conclusive Law in Psychology.
"The greater percentage of people are unsuitable for ANY relationship. Let alone
marriage" --- Murphy's Second Conclusive Law in Psychology.
"When you are facing a difficult situation which presents you with n conflicting
alternatives, always choose the alternative which satisfies Moracle's Fundamental
meta-Law. It will save you time. Or, alternatively," --- Einsteinius' First Law of
Efficient Time Travel in Parallel Universes.
"When you are facing a situation which presents you with n conflicting
alternatives, always choose the alternative which causes the MOST DAMAGE, because
that's the alternative that will materialize anyway" --- Einsteinius' Second Law of
Efficient Time Travel in Parallel Universes.
"For all practical purposes, you may assume that EVERYONE is ill-intentioned,
until proven otherwise, therefore" --- Murphy's First Fundamental Law of
Psychology.
"Beware of people/objects/things who/which approach you, for no good reason" ---
Jehovius' Law of Unspecified Motive.
"You may ALSO assume that everyone else is ALWAYS right and YOU are ALWAYS wrong,
no matter WHAT the situation. Therefore:" --- Murphy's Second Fundamental Law of
Psychology.
"Avoid arguing over minutiae - when not possessing a weapon: It's better to keep
quiet, lose an argument and stay safe, than enrage somebody stronger than you and end
up in the hospital all beat-up from a misunderstanding. If you DO possess a weapon,
there's no need to argue anyway. Just make sure that your weapon is seen before
starting any argument" --- Murphy's Corollary to the Second Fundamental Law of
Psychology.
"The key to happiness is being OK with NOT being OK" --- Anderson's Law of
Eventual Complacency.
"Your parents CREATE you and EDUCATE you as a LOSER, so that they and everyone
else can later ACCUSE you of being a loser. And succeed. This is called LEARNING" ---
The Demiurge's First Most Obvious Conspiracy Law.
"When you finally understand your inner psychological nuances, you'll realize
that the two people who are/were called 'your parents', were judiciously and
diligently chosen, so they could torture you to DEATH until you either go INSANE,
commit suicide or EVOLVE and LEARN. Whichever comes first" --- The Demiurge's Second
Most Obvious Conspiracy Law.
"If you accuse your parents of that, they will commit you to an asylum for the
insane" --- The Oracle's First Most Obvious Conspiracy Law.
"NOBODY cares about you. Not even your mother" --- The Oracle's Second Most
Obvious Conspiracy Law.
"NOBODY is what they look they are and NOBODY does what they say they do" --- Big
Brother's First Law of the Most Obvious Conspiracy.
"EVERYBODY is a two-faced insane monster, eager to con you and torture you to
DEATH at the first available opportunity" --- Big Brother's Second Law of the Most
Obvious Conspiracy.
"EVERYBODY is CONFUSED and ANGRY" --- Big Brother's Corollary to Second Law of
the Most Obvious Conspiracy.
"When you DON'T know, EVERYBODY pretends they don't know EITHER. When you KNOW,
AGAIN everybody pretends they don't know" --- Big Brother's Third Law of the Most
Obvious Conspiracy.
"The number of FRIENDS you have, is inversely proportional to how much you KNOW.
I.e., when you know almost EVERYTHING, you'll have ZERO friends. If you are an IDIOT
or STUPID and know almost NOTHING, everyone will be eager to help you and be your
FRIEND" --- Big Brother's Fourth Law of the Most Obvious Conspiracy.
"Life: A Super-complex conspiracy by The Universe, aimed at the person you
suspect the least: YOU" --- The Secret Teachings of Buddha First Conning Law.
"ALWAYS be on the lookout, because The Universe is trying to con you CONTINUOUSLY
and UNPREDICTABLY, 24/24, 7/w, 365/y" --- The Secret Teachings of Buddha Second
Conning Law.
"Human couple: The minimum amount of people required and willing to set up a
conspiracy on their offspring" --- The Secret Teachings of Buddha Third Conning
Law.
"Sooner or later, you'll realize and understand your EXACT identity. PRAY, that
this understanding comes BEFORE your physical death. Because if it doesn't, it will
be TOO LATE" --- The Grand Architect's First Fundamental Law of the Most Obvious
Conspiracy.
"To resolve ALL your psychological problems, the necessary first step is to
ACCEPT the fact that your father is The Devil Himself"
--- The Grand Architect's Second Fundamental Law of the Most Obvious Conspiracy.
"Once you realize The Truth, above, the best path for you is to CURSE your father
to ETERNAL DAMNATION, because that's the ONLY way to make your life change for the
better" --- The Grand Architect's Third Fundamental Law of the most Obvious
Conspiracy.
"While you are at it, curse God, as well" --- The Grand Architect's Fourth
Fundamental Law of the Most Obvious Conspiracy.
"Once you understand how The Universe works, you won't need a psychoanalyst
anymore. All your major psychological problems will vanish in a jiffy" --- Jungus'
First Law of Effective Psychoanalysis.
"The true reason why you are fucked-up, is because your parents were fucked-up,
before you" --- Jungus' Second Law of Effective Psychoanalysis.
(Source Unknown)
"The true reason why your KIDS are going to be fucked-up, is because YOU are
fucked-up" --- Jungus' Third Law of Effective Psychoanalysis.
"Stop worrying about your past. It's over. Start worrying about your future.
Cause it's going to be MUCH WORSE than your past" --- Moracle's Corollary to Froyd's
Future Psychoanalysis.
Summarizing most of psychology:
"Your psychological profile is FAIR, if you take a dump AT LEAST ONCE per day"
--- Coproydian's First Essential Law of Psychoanalysis.
"Your psychological profile is EXCELLENT, if you take a dump MORE than ONCE per
day" --- Coproydian's Second Essential Law of Psychoanalysis.
"Your psychological profile is POOR and you are in serious need of treatment, if
you take a dump LESS that ONCE per day. Or alternatively:" --- Coproydian's Third
Essential Law of Psychoanalysis.
"Your psychological profile is FAIR, if you either don't remember most of your
dreams or have few good ones" --- Coproydian's First non-Essential Law of
Psychoanalysis.
"Your psychological profile is EXCELLENT, if you only have good dreams" ---
Coproydian's Second non-Essential Law of Psychoanalysis.
"Your psychological profile is POOR and you are in serious need of treatment, if
most of your dreams are nightmares" --- Coproydian's Third non-Essential Law of
Psychoanalysis.
"The best medicine for ALL psychopathologies and psychotic infirmities is the
infamous LAXATIVE" --- Murphy's latest medical advice.
"Don't consider 'You are FULL of SH*T' an offensive statement. It only quantitatively differs from the truth, which is that at any time in your life, you are actually carrying on average about 1-2kgs of this stuff in your large intestine, anyway" --- The UNoffended Murphy Proponent's Law.
"Your PHYSICAL appearance tends asymptotically to the ratio of your IQ over your
EQ plus your evil intentions modulo your passions" --- Dogon's First Law of Physical
Appearance.
Original image source: Google
"Your life span is proportional to everything you know divided by your EQ. I.e.
no matter WHAT you know, you will die quickly if you are too empathetic. If you are
an insensitive, uncaring and unsympathetic brick, you will live FOREVER" ---
Scientificus' Law of Life Spans.
"Your physical HEALTH goes proportionally to the total amount in all your bank
accounts. I.e., it's (and will be) EXCELLENT if you are bloody rich, and feeble/poor,
always subject to incidental diseases and mishaps if you are poor. Until your bank
accounts are zeroed-out, in which case you'll probably die from a heart attack. The
LESS money you have, the more EXPENSIVE the treatments for your incidental diseases.
If you happen to be a millionaire and disease hits you, curing it will cost you at
least all your monetary resources. If it's a known disease, that is. If it's UNKNOWN,
you'll have to morgage even your kids and relatives, to finance a complete cure" ---
Doctorius' Law of Health in Life.
"NEVER announce your financial status to doctors, no matter what the problem" ---
Corollary to Doctorius' Law of Health in Life.
"The power of attraction you exert on ANY person, object or event, is directly
proportional to the SQUARE of your dislike for it" --- Kepler's Modified
Gravitational Law.
"You can practically FORCE someone or something to come to you or cause an event
manifestation, if you dislike him/her/it SUFFICIENTLY" --- First Teleportation
Corollary to Kepler's Modified Gravitational Law.
"You can practically FORCE someone or something to go away or avoid an event
manifestation, if you desire him/her/it SUFFICIENTLY" --- Second Teleportation
Corollary to Kepler's Modified Gravitational Law.
"The ONLY exception to Kepler's Law and Corollaries is Money. It won't EVER come to you whether you desire
it or despise it" --- First Money Corollary to Kepler's Modified Gravitational Law.
"If you ARE RICH, then the power of attraction in Kepler's Modified
Gravitational Law is multiplied by the amount of money you have. I.e., expect to be constantly swarmed by unknowns, irrelevants, disagreeables and scheming people who will either beg for your money or are looking for covert ways to rob you of it. Continuously, until you become financially decrepid, in which case the First Money Corollary to Kepler's Modified Law applies again" --- Second Money Corollary to Kepler's Modified Gravitational Law.
"The more evil and dastardly you are, the more GOOD and INNOCENT people you will attract who can easily fall victims of your scheming intentions. I.e., if you are a criminal, expect to be surrounded by very friendy people who will be always concerned about you" --- Murphy's First Corollary to the perverse Law of Attraction Law.
"The more good-hearted and innocent you are, the more EVIL and DASTARDLY people you will attract who will create more impediments for you. I.e., if you are a saintly-good heart, expect at least ONE encounter with some disagreeable nasty *sshole per day" --- Murphy's Second Corollary to the perverse Law of Attraction Law.
"You will have many relationships, but the ONLY person you TRULY fall in love
with, will hate your guts. For EVER. Not only in this life, but in ALL subsequent
reincarnations" --- Romanticus' First Fundamental Law of Perverse Relationships.
"The people you find 'interesting' & 'cute', will dislike you. The people who
make you want to puke, will fall in love with you" --- Romanticus' Second Fundamental
Law of Perverse Relationships.
"When your character is interesting and intelligent overall, people will find you
BORING" --- Romanticus' Third Law of Perverse Attraction.
"When your character is boring and not interesting, people will find you as
exactly that" --- Romanticus' Fourth Law of Perverse Attraction.
"If you are handsome or pretty, people will find you uninteresting and
unintelligent" --- Romanticus' Fifth Law of Perverse Attraction.
"If you are ugly, people will find you as exactly that" --- Romanticus' Sixth Law
of Perverse Attraction.
"If you are pretty and good mannered, people will call you boring and
unintelligent" --- Romanticus' Seventh Law of Perverse Attraction.
"If you are intelligent, pretty and good mannered, people will find you dangerous
and potentially evil" --- Romanticus' Eighth Law of Perverse Attraction.
"If you are dumb, ugly and bad mannered, people will accuse your behavior and
acts as evil, increasing your chances of going to jail for no good reason" ---
Romanticus' Ninth Law of Perverse Attraction.
"If you are intelligent, handsome, good mannered and well educated, people will
find you boring and uninteresting" --- Romanticus' Tenth Law of Perverse
Attraction.
"If you are pretty or handsome but unintelligent, boring and evil, people will
praise you as a genius" --- Romanticus' Eleventh Law of Perverse Attraction.
"If you are dumb, people will find you exactly as that" --- Romanticus' Twelfth
Law of Perverse Attraction.
"If you are an overall genius, people will find you dumb, boring and
uninteresting" --- Romanticus' Thirteenth Law of Perverse Attraction.
"If you dare deviate even so slightly from pre-established romantic behavior(s),
people will accuse you of being a perverted deviant" --- Romanticus' First Law of
Perverse Relationships.
"If you are a homosexual, people will accuse you of being a pervert" ---
Romanticus' Second Law of Perverse Relationships.
"If you are heterosexual, people will accuse you of being a homophobe" ---
Romanticus' Third Law of Perverse Relationships.
"If you are bisexual, people will call you gay, anyway" --- Romanticus' Fourth
Fundamental Law of Perverse Relationships.
"When you have chosen to abstain from sex or are celibate, people will call you
sexually abnormal, a masturbator or anally retentive pervert" --- Romanticus' Fifth
Fundamental Law of Perverse Relationships.
"If you are a heterosexual in a healthy relationship, people or your mate will
accuse you of being an infidel at the slightest chance of you even looking at someone
else" --- Romanticus' Sixth Law of Perverse Relationships.
"If you are a heterosexual in a healthy relationship and have never cheated,
people will call you gay, if you don't secretly cheat behind your mate's back" ---
Romanticus' Seventh Law of Perverse Relationships.
"If you are a homosexual in a relationship and have never cheated, people will
call you a dirty faggot or lesbian" --- Romanticus' Eighth Law of Perverse
Relationships.
"If you have a past of sexual deviancy and at least one person knows about it,
you will be sooner or later accused of all your past acts in public by your mate" ---
Romanticus' Ninth Law of Perverse Relationships.
"If you have a past of sexual deviancy that nobody knows about, your
psychoanalyst will call you 'normal', only needing minor therapy" --- Pervertus'
First Law of Deviant Relationships.
"If you are sexually 'normal', your psychoanalyst will prompt you to try some
deviancy in new relationships, for a change, to improve your psychological profile"
--- Pervertus' Second Law of Deviant Relationships.
"If you fall in love with a person that's above your paygrade
(richer/prettier,etc), you will be called a pervert" --- Romanticus' First Corollary
Law of Perverse Relationships.
"If you fall in love with a person that's below your paygrade, you will be
labeled a loser" --- Romanticus' Second Corollary Law of Perverse Relationships.
"If you fall in love with a person that's younger than you, you will be labeled a
paedophile pervert" --- Romanticus' First Corollary Law of Forbidden
Relationships.
"If you fall in love with a person that's older than you, you will be labeled a
gerontophile loser" --- Romanticus' Second Corollary Law of Forbidden
Relationships.
"If you fall in love with a person that's the same age and paygrade as you,
having similar interests and overall mentality, that person will reject you and you
will be labeled as immature and naive, for even daring" --- Romanticus' Third
Corollary Law of Forbidden Relationships.
"If you fall in love with two or more people simultaneously, you will be called a
sexual pervert" --- Amorus' Law of Perverse Relationships.
"If you NEVER fall in love with ANYONE, you will be called a sexually and
psychologically abnormal pervert/deviant or asexual freak" --- Anteros' First Law of
Perverse Relationships.
"If you are ugly, physically disabled or have the slightest physical appearance
disadvantage, you will be called a sexually and psychologically abnormal
pervert/deviant or sexual freak, by MOST people. There will be AT LEAST ONE person
however, who will madly fall in love with you and will ask you to marry them to publicly show off his/her compassion for your case" --- Disabled Major Law of Freaky Relationships.
Image source: Google
"If you need sex more often than your partner, you will be labeled a porno-satyr
and a sex/nympho-maniac" --- Anteros' Second Law of Perverse Relationships.
Source: Quora meme space
"If you don't have sex as often as your partner wants you will be labeled
impotent and deficient and your partner will blame you for his/her outreach for new
prospective partners" --- Anteros' Third Law of Perverse Relationships.
"If you don't have sex at all in a relationship, you will be called
psychologically aberrant and functionally insufficient and recommended viagra" ---
Anteros' Fourth Law of Perverse Relationships.
"If you are a sex maniac, you will be accused of as exactly that and labeled a
pervert" --- Anteros' Fourth Law of Perverse Relationships.
"If you are sexually sized gifted, your sex will be labeled painful and
uncomfortable" --- Anteros' Fifth Law of Perverse Relationships.
"If you are sexually sized unprivileged, your sex will be called insufficient and
your mate will accuse you for failing to have an orgasm" --- Anteros' Sixth Law of
Perverse Relationships.
"If you are sexually sized average, your sex will be called average and not
interesting, too" --- Anteros' Seventh Law of Perverse Relationships.
"If you are emotionally sensitive in a relationship, you will be emotionally
abused by your mate" --- Anteros' Eighth Law in Perverse Relationships.
"If you are emotionally strong or indifferent in a relationship, you will be
accused of being an insensitive and uncaring freak" --- Anteros' Ninth Law in
Perverse Relationships.
"If you are hardworking for a living in a relationship, you will be accused of
being insensitive and uncaring to/neglecting of your mate's or children's needs" ---
'Mates Need Emotional Support, too' Law in Perverse Relationships.
"If you are a not working lazy ass in a relationship, you will be accused of
being insensitive to your relationship's financial needs" --- 'Mates Need Financial
Support, too' Law in Perverse Relationships.
"If you are working your ass off, are loving, caring and often sacrifice yourself
for the needs of, in your relationship, you will be labeled a sucker for this kind of
mate - who doesn't really deserve it, because of any random reason (cheating,
insensitive, uncaring, broke, bad cook, bad looks, bad husband/housewife, etc." ---
'Don't Try Too hard' Law in Perverse Relationships.
"On a scale of y from 1 to 10 for looks, the probability the potential mate y you
are interested in ALREADY has a mate who's more intelligent and more handsome than
you, is directly proportional to that mate's looks: y/10" --- Romanticus' Third
Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
"Again on a scale of x from 1 to 10 for looks, the probability of you x ever
being successful in your pursuit of a potential mate y, varies as:
(x/10)*(Money(x)/M), where 'Money(x)' is your Bank account balance and M is the
minimum capital that guarantees a decent monthly interest allowance using your Bank's
current interest rate. I.e., if you are not rich AND very handsome, FORGET about it"
--- Blueblood's Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
"The ONLY night you get a chance to have sex with the woman of your dreams, you
won't have an erection" --- Romanticus' First Perverse Corollary to Moracle's
Fundamental meta-Law.
"If you do have an erection, it will deemed insufficient and will fail to satisfy
the woman of your dreams" --- Romanticus' Second Perverse Corollary to Moracle's
Fundamental meta-Law.
When you ask the woman of your dreams to marry you on that important date, you'll
find out that either she's planning to leave for a very long trip, far, far away, or
she's already accepted the proposition. Or both. By somebody else. Somebody she met
one day before you proposed --- Romanticus' Third Fundamental Marriage Proposal
Law.
"There's ALWAYS somebody RICHER/MORE HANDSOME/MORE INTELLIGENT/MORE FAMOUS than
you, who is in love with the woman of your dreams. For example: If you are a simple
company employee, it will be the CEO. If you are the CEO, it will be the President of
the country. If you are the President, it will be God himself. If you are God, the
woman of your dreams will be a whore" --- Romanticus' Fourth Fundamental Law of
Hierarchies in Relationships.
Image Source: Google
"In order to deserve a woman, you have to be able to beat the shit out of ANY
prospective lover or challenger. And you never know WHO such a challenger may turn
out to be" --- Romanticus' Fifth Fundamental Law of Hierarchies in Relationships.
"The probability of winning the woman of your dreams, varies in proportion to your dominus and portafoglio sizes" --- Romanticus' Sixth Fundamental Law of
Hierarchies in Relationships.
"In order to deserve a woman, you ALSO have to be SUPER-INTELLIGENT, because if
she is smarter than you, she will torment you until you either go INSANE or commit
suicide from the PAIN" --- Alternate form of Romanticus' Fifth Fundamental Law of
Hierarchies in Relationships.
"The woman of your dreams, always has a secret husband: The DEVIL" --- Romanticus' Sixth Fundamental Law of Hierarchies in
Relationships.
"In order to deserve the woman of your dreams, you have to be sufficiently
STRONG, SUPER-intelligent and EVIL enough as to be able to beat even the DEVIL himself, hence" --- Romanticus' Seventh Fundamental Law
of Hierarchies in Relationships.
"Unless you KNOW you are the Devil himself, it is
always BEST to FORGET about the woman of your dreams and continue the work, because
any result of you trying to approach her, will always satisfy Moracle's meta-LAW,
therefore" --- Romanticus' Eighth Fundamental Law of Hierarchies in
Relationships.
"NOBODY can have the woman of their dreams, because this woman is the Devil's. And the Devil can do
that: He can be husband to many women simultaneously if he wants to. You CAN however,
have any woman you want EXCEPT that one, if you ask politely. WHO? That, the laws do
not say" --- Romanticus' Tenth Fundamental Law of Hierarchies in Relationships.
"If you are wondering whether your 'soulmate' exists, the answer is AFFIRMATIVE.
And he/she is married and has kids with someone ELSE. Hence," --- Romanticus' First
Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
"It's better to pick a partner at RANDOM, than waste time looking for your
'soulmate'" --- Romanticus' Second Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental
meta-Law.
"EVERY woman has TWO faces. After asking a woman for a date, make sure you don't
react VERY BADLY when she shows you her OTHER face: The face of an old, decrepid,
ugly and satanic WITCH, who wants to TORTURE you and your offspring, to no end" ---
Datimus' First Law of Dates.
"Alternatively, just in case you didn't understand the previous, make sure you
make yourself confortable with the fact that she WILL turn that way in the future,
regardless, BEFORE asking her to marry you" --- Graeaes' Law of Evenual Ugliness
Dates.
"If you react BADLY to her OTHER face, she may CURSE you and you may become a
faggot" --- Datimus' Second Law of Dates.
"The universal age of virginity loss, approaches ZERO from above" --- Seximus'
First Law of Sexual Perversity.
"The number of virgins divided by the human population, approaches ZERO from
above" --- Seximus' Second Law of Sexual Virginity.
"The number of available partners divided by the human population as a function
of your age, approaches ZERO from above" --- Seximus' Third Law of Available Sexual
Partners.
"The number of available GOOD partners is IDENTICALLY zero. At ANY time" ---
Seximus' Fourth Law of Available Sexual Partners.
"The number of ILLEGAL partners divided by the human population as a function of
your age, approaches ONE" --- Seximus' Fifth Law of Available Partners.
Home, Work & Marriage
"People with silly and useless degrees and certificates ALWAYS get better job
positions than serious scientists. A person with a degree in theology or jewelry, for
example, will always get a better paying job than someone with a Ph.D. in Nuclear
Physics" --- Nonsensus' Law of Better Job Placement.
"Good jobs always require a degree or certificate one level higher than what you
have. For example, if you have only a high school diploma, you'll need to have a B.S.
If you have a B.S. you'll need an M.S. or an M.B.A. If you have a master's degree,
you'll need a Ph.D. If you have a Ph.D. you'll need a Nobel Prize or the Fields
Medal. If you are a Nobel Laureate or have won the Fields Medal, you'll need to have
a degree which certifies that you are God Himself, in which case nobody will believe
you, anyway" --- Nash' Law of Perpetual Learning.
"When you are looking for a job, seek first the jobs which you are completely
unfamiliar and have no experience with. This maximizes your chances of getting the
job, because as a trainee you will surely be underpaid" --- Improbablilitus' Law of
Finding Work.
"For composers: WHEN and IF you manage to create a computer program which notates
and plays music, THEN you may have the liberty to call yourself a 'beginner'
composer. In ADDITION to being familiar with lots of music genres and harmony" ---
Stupendius' Law of Musical Expertise.
"'Difficulty' (noun. plural. difficulties): The number of tries it takes, until
something is finished or completed PERFECTLY" --- Failius' Definition of
Difficulty.
"For trivial tasks, difficulty is equal to at least 2" --- Failius' First
Corollary for Difficulty.
"For non-trivial tasks, difficulty is equal to at least 1000" --- Failius' Second
Corollary for Difficulty.
"For complex tasks, difficulty tends to infinity" --- Failius' Third Corollary
for Difficulty.
"'Expert' (adj. plural 'experts'): Someone for whom the difficulty of a certain
task is equal to 2" --- Failius' Fourth Corollary for Difficulty.
"'God' (adj. plural 'gods'): Someone for whom the difficulty of a certain task is
equal to 1" --- Failius' Fifth Corollary for Difficulty.
(Source Unknown)
"'Expert' (adj. plural 'experts'): One who knows more and more about less and
less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing" --- Butler's' Sixth
Corollary for Difficulty.
"If you are an expert at a certain work subject, the market will always be
saturated for this kind of work" --- Stupendius' Law of Work Expertise.
"If you are an expert at a certain specific work subject, you will be asked by
your boss to work on something irrelevant to your expertise" --- The Good CEO's First
Law of Irrelevant Work Expertise .
"If you are a polymath and can work on just about ANY subject, you will be asked
to work on something boring, repetitive and tiring, at a very low wage: Work that can
be done by any lowly skillful employee at a higher wage rate" --- The Good CEO's
Second Law of Useless Work Expertise .
"If you are NEITHER an expert at any subject NOR a polymath, your resume will be
rejected as superfluous and irrelevant to a company's needs" --- The Good HR's First
Law of Irrelevant Work Expertise.
"If you are an expert and have various degrees on MULTIPLE subjects, you will be
hired as the boss' Assistant Secretary, to keep the boss' illegal books and check
balances intact. If the boss or company is ever caught by the IRS for illegal/obscure
business practices, you will be blamed by the boss or the Board of Company's
Advisors/Trustees as responsible for all company's failures" --- The Good CEO's First
Law of Successful Work Placement.
"If you are a completely and utterly incompetent moron with no skills whatsoever
on ANY work subject, you'll be made an honorary member and/or financial advisor of
the company's Board of Trustees and be frequently consulted over all company's major
decisions & merger deals" --- The Good CEO's Second Law of Successful Work
Placement.
"If you are skillful, dilligent and hard-working on your job, working on ANY work
subject will only earn you the 'you are NOT good enough for this job' from your
supervisor, no matter what the subject or the effort put in" --- The First
'Supervisors ALWAYS Know More Than You' Law.
"If you are unskillful, non-diligent, inconsistent and lazy on your job, working
on ANY work subject will at least earn you the 'you are PRETTY GOOD at this' from
your supervisor, no matter what the subject or the effort put in" --- The Second
'Supervisors ALWAYS Know More Than You' Law.
"The absurd ridiculousness of a certain work project task varies in proportion to
the advanced degree(s) you have times the importance of the advanced degree(s) your
supervisor possesses" --- The Third 'Supervisors ALWAYS Know More Than You' Law.
"Being a polymath, i.e. if you can do EVERYTHING, doesn't PAY - cause you'll be deemed a non-specialist in AT LEAST one subject needed by your employer. Even when you are good at this subject" --- First Corollary to Robert Heinlein's, Time Enough for Love Law: "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyse a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."
"If you can cook it NICELY, it can be eaten." --- Mamalakis' Corollary to Robert Heinlein's Corollary.
"Becoming a specialist in ANY subject, requires AT LEAST a Ph.D. and costs MONEY, in which case you'll be deemed AGAIN incompetent and INSUFFICIENT in AT LEAST one other irrelevant subject by your employer" --- Second Corollary to Robert Heinlein's Law
"The ONLY way to be deemed sufficient workwise by your employer is if you've managed separate Ph.D.s in ALL subjects of your expertise, in which case the CEO's Law of Futility of Work Compensation, below, applies" --- Third Corollary to Heinlein's Law.
"If you can do only average work on EVERYTHING, i.e., you are a mediocre polymath, you'll be labelled as EXACTLY THAT and your resume will be rejected as mediocre non-specialist" --- Fourth Corollary to Robert Heinlein's Law.
"When you are finally employed, your employer can ALWAYS find an excuse to
underpay you. For example: If you have the experience only, you will be underpaid
because you don't have a degree. If you have a degree only you will be underpaid
because you lack experience. If you have a Ph.D., you will be underpaid because you
are "over-qualified" and there's always someone else with a high school diploma who
can do the same work for less. If you only have a high school diploma, you will be
underpaid because you are "under-qualified" and there's already a Nobel Laureate or
Fields Prize winner who does this kind of work. NEVER MIND how much this person is
paid" --- CEO's Law of Futility of Work Compensation.
"Work failure is inevitable. You will fail REPEATEDLY and CONTINUOUSLY on the
subject you are an expert at" --- Failius' Law of Work Expertise.
"On your first day on the job, you will be FIRED" --- Unpredictus' Law of First
Job Day.
"Employees are ALWAYS fired in REVERSE order of importance to the company's
finances and wage rates - as a function of time, until, at the time of bankruptcy,
only the CEO or the President remain, who cannot fire themselves" --- Unpredictus'
Law of Last Job Day.
"It's ALWAYS some former (and fired) employee's fault when the company goes
bankrupt" --- The 'It's Always Somebody Else's Fault' Law of Bankrupt
Businesses.
"Working on a subject you love and making lots of Money from your work is a virtual impossibility.
Hence," --- Impossibilitus' Law of Working.
"Everyone HATES Mondays" --- Resting's Law of Mondays.
"If you are a man, your job market worth is equal exactly to the beauty of your
wife. If you are woman, your worth is equal exactly to the amount of money your
husband makes" --- Geneticus' Law of Worth of Mates.
"You cannot find work if you don't have a mate" --- Unfortunatus' First Law of
Employment.
"You cannot find a mate if you are not working" --- Unfortunatus' Second Law of
Employment.
"The distance between your home and work locations will be directly proportional
to how much you desire to be with your mate" --- Cupidus' First Law of Work Modus
Operandi.
"The desire other people will have to be with YOUR mate, will be directly
proportional to how much YOU desire to be with your mate" --- Cupidus' Second Law of
Work Modus Operandi.
"The probability of your mate FORNICATING with someone, is directly proportional
to the product of your desire to be with your mate and the distance between your home
and work locations" --- Balamuti's First Corollary to Cupidus' Laws.
"The probability of you CATCHING your mate in the act of fornicating with
someone, is inversely proportional to the product of your desire to be with your mate
and the distance between your home and work locations" --- Balamuti's Second
Corollary to Cupidus' Laws.
"The ONLY way to be sure that your mate is not fornicating with someone, is for
BOTH of you to ALWAYS be at home. In which case, you won't be able to make a living,
unless you are ALREADY rich" --- Balamuti's Third Corollary to Cupidus' Laws.
Money
"The Universe is a GIANT, RELENTLESS, INEXORABLE, BRUTAL and CAPITALIST
money-making machine. You can take advantage of it to make some money or, if you are
an IDIOT, get the f*ck out of its way before it TRAMPLES you to death. It has an
aversion for Communists, lazy-asses,
morons, idiots and fanatics of all sorts. It doesn't care HOW MUCH you know, WHAT you
know or what you believe in. All it cares about is MAKING MONEY through you or
through one of your endeavours. IF it can. If it CAN'T, it will displace you, sooner
or later. Or, alternatively," --- Purposi's First Fundamental Law for The Purpose of
Life.
"The meaning of EVERYTHING, is MONEY" --- Purposi's 'Meaning of Life' Axiom.
"EVERYTHING in the Universe, costs money: From the tiniest commercial artificial
products to all natural resources, the planets, giant stars, galaxies and Star
Systems with or without Civilizations" --- First Fundamental Axiom of Economics
101
"Buying ANYTHING costs money" --- First Corollary of First Fundamental Axiom
"Selling ANYTHING costs money" --- Second Corollary of First Fundamental
Axiom
"ALL services cost money" --- Third Corollary of First Fundamental Axiom
"Working costs money (for your employer)" --- Fourth Corollary of First
Fundamental Axiom
"Resting costs money (because you are not working)" --- Fifth Corollary of First
Fundamental Axiom
"Playing costs money. Official playing, even MORE" --- Sixth Corollary of First
Fundamental Axiom
"Doing ANYTHING, costs money - cause it always requires external resources to do
so" --- First Seventh Corollary of First Fundamental Axiom
"Doing NOTHING, costs money - cause you are stalling for potentially productive
time" --- Second Seventh Corollary of First Fundamental Axiom
"Time, costs money - cause the clock's always ticking and it hasn't be wounded by
you, or alternatively," --- Einstein's First Corollary of First Fundamental
Axiom
"Time, IS money, except when the local (Stock) Market is closed - cause you can
always use the (Stock) Market to make money NOW or when there is NEITHER time NOR
money - i.e. if you are poor" --- Larson's Corollary of First Fundamental Axiom
"Time t' is ALWAYS relative according to the Lorentz Factor γ as t'=t*γ with speed of investment/Stock
or Market Services trading replacing v in the equation:
t'=t*γ=t/sqrt(1-(v/c)2) and reference time t being the local time of
the New York Stock Exchange" --- Einstein's Second Corollary of First
Fundamental Axiom
"Communication, costs money (being dependent on time) - in an inverse proportion
to its practical speed and in direct proportion to the difference between local time
and New York Stock Exchange time" --- The 'Inevitable Emergence of Cellphones'
Corollary of First Fundamental Axiom
"Moving anything, costs money" --- First Murphy Corollary of First Fundamental
Axiom
"Money, costs money - cause it's always devalued as a function of time, hence the
uselessness of idle Bank accounts" --- Eighth Corollary of First Fundamental
Axiom
"GIVING money, costs money (Transaction charges when you pay anything - when in
cash, it's the devaluation factor for the money given as a function of time until the
given cash is used. Much less than electronic/card transaction charges of course,
that's why cash is being gradually eliminated in favor of electronic money. And cash
will CONTINUE to be restricted, more and more, until ALL transactions are done using
electronic/paper money, which will inevitably validate this corollary completely)"
--- Ninth Corollary of First Fundamental Axiom
"GETTING money, costs money (see parenthesis above)" --- Tenth Corollary of First
Fundamental Axiom
"Stealing money, costs money - although it's the cheapest cost amongst many" ---
The Serious Thief's First Major Connundrum Theorem.
"Death, costs money" --- The Murderer's/Thief's First Major Connundrum
Theorem.
"NOTHING costs no money, except talk and Philosophy. Hence the characterization
'cheap' for the former, 'useless/idle talk' for the latter, hence"--- The 'Money
Talks and Bullshit Walks Theorem' revisited.
"Life costs money, and LOTS of it, in proportion to Expected Value of Investment
for deprecating past bad Karma"--- The 'Prospective Parent's Major Connundrum' or
Fundamental 'Karma is a (Financial) Bitch' Axiom.
"Money does not exist - except for those who own it (i.e. Banks)"--- The
Fundamental Macroeconomics MMT Theorem of Successful Economies (Proof)
"You cannot make money - unless you can provide a highly unique/original service
in exchange, which can be exploited by someone ELSE, to ALWAYS make MORE money from
it than what you'll make"--- The Boss' Fundamental Working Theorem of Successful
Companies.
"You cannot make money from ANY sensible work, no matter what your
education/experience"--- The Potential Employee's First Working Corollary of
Successful Employment.
"Your best chance for successful employment is with ANY company that employs hard
and tiring manual labor"--- The Potential Employee's Second Working Corollary of
Successful Employment.
"Prices of Market goods always fluctuate according to supply and demand. In the
short run. In the LONG run, they always INCREASE, since ALL economies eventually
FAIL" --- The 'Financial Failure is Inevitable' Theorem.
"Prices for services provided, by ANY Marketing Server are ALWAYS expected to
increase" --- First Corollary to 'Financial Failure is Inevitable' Theorem.
"Taxes NEVER decrease and Income Funds- whether from work or investement(s),
eventually, NEVER increase, hence,"
"Bank Account amounts are always a DECREASING function of time and are eventually
zeroed-out, sooner or later" --- The Secret Untold Theorem of All Banks.
"Economics is not a science. It's the OPERATIONAL LAW or Modus Operandus of the
Universe's Physics & Mechanics"--- Heizenborg's First Fundamental Axiom of
Quantum Economics
"Earth was created so that the STOCK MARKET could be housed somewhere"--- The
Economical Physics 101 'Neccessity of Creation' Theorem.
"Stock broking is The Universe's favourite profession/past time"--- Economics 101
'God/Devil's Actual Profession' Theorem.
"The reason you were born (yet another time) on this planet - because of past
Karma, is to be given a chance to make MONEY, through one/or more of your endeavours.
IF you can. Therefore:"--- Joe-anus' First Fundamental Karmic Law
"For ALL practical reasons and purposes, Heaven is synonymous to being RICH and Hell is synonymous to beeing dirt POOR, in ANY life."--- Joe-anus' Second Fundamental Karmic Law
"For all practical purposes, you may consider God's daily predisposition &
desire for you to be tautological to either your local Stock Market's trends or local
weather's patterns. Or both. But not neither. For example, if it's a beautiful Sunny
morning at 5:00am, you can be sure that God is fairly pleased with your behaviour so
far. If it looks like an overcast/cloudy or stormy day, God is probably very angry at
you. If a tornado or storm is approaching, God has already decided that venting some
of his anger is preferable over keeping it sealed in for you."--- First Fundamental
Theorem of Meteorology 101.
"Local Stock Market trends, follow morning weather patterns, but not conversely:
i.e., you cannot affect the weather by manipulating Stock, even if you are successful
in your dealings" --- Second Fundamental Theorem of Meteorology 101.
"The will of God cannot be predicted, as weather patterns and Stock Market trends
themselves cannot be predicted"--- First Applicable Corollary of the Fundamental
Theorems of Meteorology 101 to Religion 101.
"Although the will of God cannot be predicted, it can be BENT or influenced (by
bad news or covert side financing)"--- The 'Prayer CAN be Practical' Theorem, of
Economic Religion 101.
"If you find your Stock's value having an upwards trend, NOW is the best time to
SELL."--- First Common Sense Stock Market Advice Theorem.
"If you find your Stock's value having a DOWNWARDS trend, NOW is AGAIN the best
time to SELL."--- Second Common Sense Stock Market Advice Theorem.
"If you find your Stock's value has remained relatively stable/constant, now is
AGAIN the best time to SELL."---Third Common Sense Stock Market Advice Theorem.
" In other words: NOW, is ALWAYS the best time to sell, no matter what your
Stock's trend"--- Stock Market's 'Corollary of Futility', as a consequence of the
Three Commmon Sense Stock Market Advice Theorems and Inevitable Financial Failure of
All Economies and Stock Market Crashes.
"The moment you sell a downwards trending stock, will be the moment it will start
advancing"--- Stocks of Value are Always Someone Else's Theorem #1
"The moment you BUY an upwards trending stock, will be the moment it will start
declining"--- Stocks of Value are Always Someone Else's Theorem #2
"A Stock will remain average neutral or with small gains, for as long as you own
it or are not interested in selling it/ investing in it"--- First Corollary to Stocks
of Value Theorems #1 and 2.
"A Stock will CRASH, a little after you invest in it and you will lose all your
money"--- 'Never Put All Eggs in One Basket' Theorem.
"If you apply a Prediction Algorithm to a
Stock - based on past value trending, with confidence rate > 1/2, the Stock's
value will go exactly OPPOSITE to your Prediction Algorithm until you stop applying
it."--- Goedel's Unknown Third Inconsistency Theorem for Mathematical Economics.
"The moment you STOP applying your Prediction Algorithm, the Stock will start
adhering to another broker's Prediction Analysis, based on past trending data. Likely
a broker that has dealt with your Stocks before and failed with them."--- Joe-Anus
Inconsistency Theorem for Predictive Stock Market Analyses.
"A Stock's tendency is always inversely proportional to the owner's desire for
advance & confidence rate or fear of losing money from selling it modulo the
weather tendency and the economic outlook of the country the market sits in"--- The
'Everyone's Afraid of Dealing Stocks, but Somebody's Got to Do It' Law.
"For all practical purposes, you can only predict upwards/downards Stock index
trending using the flip of a coin to determine the sign of a Brownian process. If
that doesn't work, use a Xtis a Lévy process. If THAT doesn't work, use a convolution
of BOTH and determine up/down trending by using Euler's φ function with an argument encoding the year, month, day and
hour of interest. That's an almost surefire way to land you to jail, if you get
caught, though"--- The 'Stock Broking is easy - if you know Number Theory' -
Theorem.
"For strictly theoretical purposes, you can always predict upwards/downards Stock
trending using Euler's φ function, with arguments as above. This will of course be
useless in practice, as it ends up being equivalent to trying to factorize large
integers"--- The 'Mathematics Still Rules Everything' Axiom. However uselessly
from a practical money-making point of view, but still.
"The FUNDAMENTAL arithmetic functional that governs ALL monetary & physical
operations and probabilities in the Universe, in ALL endeavors, is Euler's φ
function. It's just too bad that large PRIMES are always involved in most
calculations. Otherwise we'd know everything about EVERYTHING"--- Erdos' unknown
& unproven Conjecture for the densities of φ.
"Financial (in-)stability is a Chimera. You will always need more and more money,
until you either misinvest it, lose it, your kids spend it or somebody sues you for
everything you've got"--- The First Fundamental Axiom of Financial Interactivity of
Economics 101.
"You can NEVER make more than MEDIOCRE money using ANY endeavour or skill,
because the NEED for any specialized skill is always limited while supply is always
endless. Hence, cheap labor exploitation always increases"--- The 'Inevitability of
Emergence of ANY Lazy Workers' Association Who Continuously Pester Companies for
Increased Wage Rates' Axiom.
"You can only have lots of money, if you inherit or if you steal."--- The
'Eventual Emergence of Cons' Corollary
"The ONLY way to make GOOD money, is to enter the Loan-shark business. i.e.
either open an "official" Bank or become a Money-lender. Preferably the second, since
Banks have humongous costing responsibilities and are difficult to manage" ---
Rothchild's Fundamental Theorem of Economy/Finance 101.
"God loves you. Always, and in proportion to your Bank Account balances" --- The
'No God, no Money. No Money, no God' Law.
"It cost a LOT of money to create you, raise you up and educate you. If you
cannot find a way to amortize this cost in this life, ANOTHER chance with another
life will be given to you to try to succeed, under worse (however) conditions. If you
FAIL to amortize the cost of your creation repeatedly in many successive life times,
you will be thrown in hell as incompetent- i.e. your next reincarnation will be a
piss-poor homeless beggar in some remote Third World country" --- The First 'Karma is
a (Financial) Bitch' Law.
"If you parents were/are poor and you haven't inherited any of their money,
prepare to spend the rest of your life penniless, no matter what job you plan on or
are doing"--- The Second 'Karma is a (Financial) Bitch' Law.
"If you parents provided you with an inheritance, prepare to spend a relatively
short time with money and the rest of your life penniless, no matter what job you
plan on or are doing"--- The Third 'Karma is a (Financial) Bitch' Law.
"The best time to have a good time SPENDING all your inheritance and/or
investments is NOW. Tomorrow will be too late"--- The 'Eat, Drink, and be Merry for
Tomorrow We Die' or Isaiah 22:13 New International Economical Bible Version
Interpretation Theorem.
"The best time to start looking for a JOB for your NEXT LIFE, is now. Tomorrow
will be too late"--- Joe-Anus' Most Practical Financial Advice Axiom for Successful
Deprecation of Karma.
"If you think that studying Economics and/or Finances will guarantee your
financial success, think again"--- Corollary to Murphy's Fourth Fundamental Law of
the Great Sciences.
"The financial success of your own, home and hard built business enterprise, will
be inversely proportional to the usefulness of your selling product. For a short
time, that is, until somebody figures out that your product is useless and sues you
for damages from some irrelevant misuse of your product"--- First Fundamental Law of
Marketing Useful Products.
"If your product is designed and proved to be fairly useful, it will saturate the
Market, until either a prior associate or some other rogue company steals its
marketing pattent and starts producing/promoting something similar at cheaper rates.
Or until people become bored with it. Whichever comes first"--- Second Fundamental
Law of Marketing Useful Products.
"No matter what your product's usefulness or quality, another product exists in
the Market with better feasibility & applicability than yours and this product is
already selling cheaper than yours"--- Third Fundamental Law of Marketing Useful
Products.
"If your product's quality is of the highest caliber, it will probably be too
expensive to Market anyway - because of high production costs, so you might as well
(re-)design it to have limited usefulness or expiration date to begin with"--- Fourth
Fundamental Law of Marketing Useful Products.
"The higher the quality of your product and some of its initial commercial
success, the CHEAPER production labor and the more NUMBER of production employees it
will require. At some point you will have to move production to the nearest Star
System - where illegal Aliens preside, because the huge masses of super-cheap Earth
laborers will refuse to work for such a lowly hour wage, even in India or China.
Until your company goes out of business that is, from the legal consequences of
practically employing slave labor"--- First Corollary to the Fundamental Laws of
Marketing Useful Products.
"Economic "success" for a country, is virtually synonymous to producing NOTHING
of value and just delegating business of 'money talks & bullshit walks' through
Banks or other Loan-sharking money 'safe-keeping' operations that finance
(pre-)production or (re-)selling of generally useless or very expensive commercial
foreign products"--- Fifth Fundamental Law of Useful Marketing Economies.
"By the time a high quality product becomes famous and saturates the market, the
producing company has either gone out of business through Chapter 13 or has already
sold its rights or shares to another company. Or its owner has died from the
financial stress & strain through a heart attack or other serious disease.
Whichever comes first"--- Sixth Fundamental Law of Useful Marketing Economies.
"Economic "success" for a country goes in inverse proportion to its news infamy
at your local TV station. I.e., if you hear news about it often, the country's
economy is most likely bankrupt and needs financial aid to recover from debt. If only
occasionally, it's your average low grade uninteresting - for large scale investors
economy. If the country's unknown to you via news, chances are it's a highly
successful and rich economy"--- The Perverse News Corollary to the Fundamental Laws
of Useful Marketing Economies.
"If you have money and are RICH, your very expensive products ALWAYS stay
expensive and change hands expensively. If you DON'T have money and are NOT rich, all
your products will gradually de-value until they are suitable for recycling or
garbage collection. After they are recycled or collected, you may spot some of the
higher quality ones being auctioned at Sotheby's at exuberant first bids"--- The
First 'Rich & Famous' Theorem.
"The value of all your property isn't simply its monetary value. It's actually
the monetary value multiplied by your financial depravity as a function of time. By
the time your children inherit your property for example, if you went bankrupt and
died, your property will be worth NULL"--- The Second 'Rich & Famous'
Theorem.
"Every new day is a new chance for you to FAIL making money. If you are poor, the
chance is ~1, but you should still THANK GOD you're given even this much of a chance.
If you are RICH, the change is ε~0 that more money will NOT be coming to you, so you
should still THANK GOD OFTEN for this. If you don't, you may wake up one day and see
all your property gone, for reasons that may take you or your financial analysts -
armed with the most recent knowledge of Economics YEARS to figure out. The Universe
(i.e. God) doesn't appreciate ungratefulness"--- The 'Be Careful to Which God You are Grateful To' Law.
"The cheapest way to get some money, is to ASK for a Donation. Of course, nobody will ever take you seriously,
cause this is a sign that you either are or have been an unprofitable worker or a
financial failure with no feasible return profits for a donation investment. Still,
it doesn't hurt to try."--- Murphy's 'Your Chances are Always Better at Being a
Beggar' Law.
"ANY problem is solvable using money. NO problem is solvable WITHOUT money." --- Murphy's New Math 101 Word Problem Directive Axiom.
Web Pages
"Web pages are NEVER perfect" --- Eternius' Fundamental Law of Futility of Web
Design.
"A web page with object content measure n, will contain at least n+1 mistakes
when viewed in any respectable browser" --- Eternius' Impossible to Correct Corollary
of Web Design.
"The more you work on perfecting your web pages, the less visitors you'll have"
--- Frustratius' First Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental Meta-Law.
".html errors will reveal their presence in proporion to the time length of
creation and modification. When and if all mistakes are fixed, you will lose the most
recent backup, forcing you to start from scratch" --- Frustratius' Second Corollary
to Moracle's Fundamental Meta-Law.
"If you install a statistics tracker on your web pages, the number of your
visitors will immediately start to decline" --- Statisticus' First Law of Page
Statistics.
"If you announce one of your web pages to usenet, your statistics tracker will
stop working" --- Statisticus' Second Law of Page Statistics.
"When, after decades of work, your web pages have been finally perfected, nobody
will visit them and nobody will be interested in them, no matter what the content"
--- Eternius' Corollary to Eternius' Law of Futility of Web Page Design.
"You can practically count on the fact that ANYONE's web pages will contain some
stolen material" --- Kleftroni's Law of Web Page Design.
"No matter WHAT the content of your web pages, you can always count on the
existence of another silly web page which has a higher Page Rank and is more famous than yours" ---
Google's Fundamental Law of Page Rank.
"No matter WHAT the content of your web pages, somebody will not like it" --- The
Web's First Usefulness Law.
"No matter WHAT the content of your web pages, somebody will disagree with it"
--- The Web's Second Usefulness Law.
"No matter WHAT the content of your web pages, somebody will send you an
obnoxious email about it, calling you an idiot" --- The Web's Third Usefulness
Law.
"The purpose of ANY web page is to either generate income or to be eventually
shut down. Therefore," --- Purposi's Law of Ultimate Web Page Purpose.
"If your web page does NOT generate income, now is the best time to shut it down"
--- Undesirius' Best Web Page Strategy Corollary to the Purposi's Law of Ultimate Web
Page Purpose.
"The intellectual level of the people who visit your web pages will be inversely
proportional to the quality of its contents. Hence," --- Kepler's Fundamental
Modified Gravity Law of Web Page Attractors.
"If your web page's content is science of the highest level, it will be visited
mostly by morons, idiots and people who look for free porno" --- Kepler's First
Corollary to the Fundamental Law of Web Page Attractors.
"If your web page's content is bullshit of the highest level, it will be visited
mostly by Nobel Prize winners and internationally famous scientists" --- Kepler's
Second Corollary to the Fundamental Law of Web Page Attractors.
"If your web page's content is both bullshit and science, it will be visited
mostly by Google and Microsoft spiders and crawlers, repeatedly until these companies determine that the pages are non-indexable in their respective search engines. Or not mobile friendly. Whichever comes first" --- Kepler's Third Corollary to the Fundamental Law
of Web Page Attractors.
Usenet & Forums
"No matter what theory you post to sci.physics or sci.physics.relativity, someone
will disagree with it" --- Einstone's 'Everyone is Wrong' Law.
"If you present your theory or question to sci.physics or sci.chem and uncle Al DOESN't call you an idiot, your theory may have a
chance to be discussed, briefly, before it gets shot down" --- Uncle Al's Lowest
Common Denominator Filter Law.
"There are NO legitimate questions for sci.physics, sci.physics.relativity or
sci.chem. All theories have been explored, already. And have failed" --- Moracle's
Perverse Corollary for Nature.
"No matter WHEN you post to sci.math, there will always be a moron who's trying
to show-off and/or look smart" --- Moroni's First Corollary for sci.math.
"If this moron replies to YOUR question or problem, it's best to ignore him.
Otherwise, even if you are right, you will look like a fool, because everyone knows
that he is baiting you" --- Moroni's Second Corollary for sci.math.
"No matter how fast you post a solution to sci.math, there will always be
somebody else who has solved the problem and has posted before you" --- Speedo's
Theorem for sci.math.
"When you argue with others in the sci.* hierarchy and claim x, there will always
be someone who will always claim NOT x. If you decide to agree with him and claim NOT
x, he will CHANGE his claim to x" --- Goedel's Third Law of Persistence of
Falsifiability.
"If you THINK you've got a mathematical proof x right and you are ready to post
it to sci.math, the MOMENT you post it you will find that NOT x is certainly a
possibility. Before you even have a chance to correct your mistake, someone will
correct it making you look like a fool. If you post a retraction and say 'I agree to
the correction of NOT x', then someone will PROVE that x was correct to begin with,
and you will look like a double fool" --- Poincare's Laws of The Perversity of
sci.math.
"Other people will always consider somebody ELSE a genius and support this
person's theories and solutions in the sci.* hierarchy, but NEVER yours" ---
Praktikus' Corollary for the sci.* Hierarchy.
"If you are a professor of mathematics in some big school, someone will call you
an idiot for no good reason" --- Professor Bozo's Corollary for sci.math.
"Regardless of your scientific expertise or religious background, you will be
called many names, among those, idiot, moron, under-developed, loon, schizo, cook,
crank and troll" --- Idioti's First Corollary for the sci.* Hierarchy.
"If you are religious in a scientific forum, you will be labeled a fool and
ignorant of science" --- Idioti's First Law for Science Forums.
"If you are atheist in a religious forum, you will be labeled a fool and ignorant
of religion" --- Idioti's First Law for Religious Forums.
"If you are a patient stoic in ANY forum, you will be labeled a pagan fool and
ignorant of religion AND science" --- Idioti's First Law for ALL Forums.
"If you are philosophically undecided or absurdist in a Philosophy forum, you
will be accused as being ignorant in Philosophy" --- Idioti's First Law for
Philosophy Forums.
"If you are a philosophical absurdist or try to joke around in context in ANY
forum, you will be labeled as dangerous and potentially evil and will be blocked in
that forum by the moderator at the suggestion of a random user" --- Idioti's Second
law for ALL Forums.
"If you are into Metaphysics or Spirituality, you will be accused as nonsensical
and labeled an idiot" --- Idioti's Second Law for Philosophy Forums.
"If you reject Metaphysics and Spirituality, you will be accused as ignorant of
important metaphysical or spiritual methods and beliefs" --- Idioti's Third Law for
Philosophy Forums.
"In your own soc.culture.* group, you will be called a clown and a loon" ---
Bozo's First Corollary for the soc.culture.* Hierarchy.
"Various people will actually try to PROVE that you are all that, by searching
for your background and posting details on Usenet" --- Idioti's Second Corollary for
the sci.* Hierarchy.
"People will accuse you of being ANYTHING, as long as you are not a skeptic about
EVERYTHING" --- Idioti's Third Corollary for the sci.* Hierarchy.
"If you are a skeptic about everything, they will call you gay, perverted, a
faggot, a pederast or a pagan" --- Idioti's Fourth Corollary for the sci.*
Hierarchy.
"If you are sensible and argumentative on a sci.* group, someone will call you an
idiot" --- Argumenti's Corollary for the sci.* Hierarchy.
"If you are verbally abusive, they will accuse you of being exactly that" ---
Verbali's Corollary for the sci.* Hierarchy.
"In short, the best way to participate on usenet or in forums, is to not
participate AT ALL" --- Vise's Theorem for the sci.* Hierarchy.
Mathematics, Physics, Professors &
Students
"There's ALWAYS a mistake, somewhere" --- Caratheodory's First Forgotten Law of
Scientific Expertise.
"The chances of you making that mistake in the presence of experts are within
epsilon of certainty" --- Caratheodory's Second Forgotten Law of Scientific
Expertise.
"Other people have the right to complain about YOUR mistakes, but you don't have
the right to complain about THEIRS" --- Caratheodory's Third Forgotten Law of
Scientific Expertise.
"If you discover a new theory or mathematical model x, The Universe will go to
work TO CREATE a model for NOT x" --- Goedel's First Law of Persistence of
Falsifiability.
"If you eliminate all models for not x in advance, The Universe will create a
SUB-universe where NOT x will be true BY DEFINITION. So if you think that 1+1=2 for
example, you can be SURE that a SUB-universe exists, where 1+1=2 is false" ---
Goedel's Second Law of Persistence of Falsifiability.
"1+2=4, for sufficiently large values of 1 and/or 2" --- Arithmeticus'
UNcertainty of Addition Law.
"A referee will accept your article for publication if and only if he is
convinced that your article duplicates some already known result and its typesetting quality is sufficiently horrible" --- Duplo's
Certainty of Duplication Law.
...
The main idea is to observe that
[Math Processing Error]
Hence, we see that
[Math Processing Error]
Therefore,
[Math Processing Error]
Although this latter integral is non-elementary, it can be expressed in terms of the so-called Sine integral
[Math Processing Error]
Using this, (with the substitution [Math Processing Error]) we may write
[Math Processing Error]
for some constant [Math Processing Error].
"Important papers will be rejected randomly by the automated electronic
submission process" --- Publicious' Efficiency of Automated Manuscript Submission
Law.
"The number of journals you must submit your paper to before it is accepted,
approaches infinity" --- Duplo's Futility of Publication Law.
"WHATEVER results your new paper claims, they have ALREADY been published by
somebody else. 100 years ago" --- Ecclesiastes' 'There's Nothing New Under The Sun'
Law.
"The net WORTH of your accepted paper's results is directly proportional to the
selling price a highly reputable journal will set for its sale/download modulo
Ecclesiastes' Law, multiplied by its reading complexity plus a constant (to adjust
for inflation)" --- Futility of Publishing in Open Access Journals Law.
"The probability of a paper being accepted varies as exp(-x), where x is the
referee's expertise on the subject, varying in [0,infinity) modulo the Open Access
Journals Law" --- Publicious' Probability of Publication Law.
"To be HIRED by a school, you need to prove you have published at LEAST 100
papers AND have a Ph.D. To be given TENURE, you need to prove that you have STOPPED publishing and
will NEVER AGAIN publish any new papers AND have a Ph.D." --- Journali's Usefulness of Publications
First Law. Therefore,
"If you DON'T have a Ph.D. AND have not published at least 100 papers, you can safely forget about working in ANY school. Provisions for exceptions are always proportional to the silliness of your subject of expertise." --- Journali's Uselessness of Having a Ph.D. Without Having Published Second Law.
"If you have a Ph.D. AND have published at least 100 papers, the amount of paperwork in your petition for admission prerequisites for a professorship position will approach practical infinity. In which case, either your petition will be naturally rejected by the judging committee for missing important documents that prove your expertise, or you will naturally fail to collect all the relevant documentation on time, hence failing the application deadline." --- Journali's Third Law of Futility in Seeking Teaching positions.
"If you manage to collect and send ALL relevant documentation before the petition's deadline, the department's secretary will call one day before the deadline and ask you to provide at least one missing document for which you've kept no backup duplicate and you'll have to find and mail it to the secretary by tomorrow, because the committee is already running late and has already considered all applications except yours." --- Journali's Fourth Law of Futility in Seeking Teaching positions.
"If you are SURE you've sent ALL relevant documentation on time and kept duplicates for ALL relevant documents, the department's secretary will call and inform you that since 2 days ago the school's policy changed and now only accepts ALL applications with ALL relevant documents in CD format, including digital copies of ALL your publications AND your Ph.D. thesis." --- Journali's Fifth Law of Futility in Seeking Teaching positions.
"If the school's application REQUIRED all documents to be included in a CD package format, to begin with, the department's secretary will call you one day before the deadline and inform you that the CD is corrupted and cannot be read by her computer and you have to send another one by yesterday, otherwise your application will be rejected automatically, after tomorrow's deadline" --- Journali's Sixth Law of Futility in Seeking Teaching positions.
"The likelihood of a school giving you a teaching position varies proportionally
to its distance from your graduation location" --- Galois' Law of Effective Teaching
Distance.
"The likelihood of a school giving you a teaching position becomes maximal at
Earth's ANTIPODAL point of your graduation location" --- Corollary to Galois' Law of
Effective Teaching Distance.
"The most efficient computer algorithm for your CS dissertation problem will be
of order O(exp(L)(n)), where f(k)(x) denotes iterated
composition of f, L is the character length of your dissertation and n is the size of
your data" --- Babbage's Perverse Algorithm Efficiency Law.
"A program consisting of n symbolic tokens, will reveal at least n+1 mistakes
when compiled correctly" --- Basicus's Perverse Syntax Efficiency Law.
"Your FIRST undergraduate computer assignment will be to write a program that
replicates. In Pascal" --- Babbage's First Law of Perverse CS Assignments.
"Your SECOND undergraduate computer assignment will be to write a YACC. In
ASSEMBLY" --- Babbage's Second Law of Perverse CS Assignments.
#include <stddef.h>
#include <types.h>
#include <math.h>
typedef struct Long *Ptr;
/*************************************************************/
/*Initialize a pointer safely*/
/*************************************************************/
void SafeInitializePointer(Ptr &p)
{
if (p == NULL)
p = (Ptr)0x00000001;
else
p = (Ptr)((long)p / 2);
}
void main()
{
SafeInitializePointer(p)
}
"Your THIRD undergraduate computer assignment will be to calculate
A(100,100,100), where A is the three-argument Ackermann function" --- Babbage's Third
Law of Perverse CS Assignments.
"Your FOURTH undergraduate computer assignment will be to calculate B(B(100)),
where B is the Busy-Beaver function" --- Babbage's Fourth Law of Perverse CS
Assignments.
"Your FIRST undergraduate mathematics assignment will be to find a complex
analytic f, with f(f(f(x)))=exp(x)" --- Archimodus' First Law of Perverse Math
Assignments.
"Your SECOND undergraduate mathematics assignment will be to find a complex
analytic extension to tetration" --- Archimodus' Second Law of Perverse Math
Assignments.
"If you manage to find it, it will be published with your professor's name on it"
--- Archimodus' Third Law of Perverse Math Assignments.
"If you are BOTH a CS & mathematics major, your FIRST undergraduate computer
assignment will be to implement infinite CARDINAL and ORDINAL arithmetic. In ASSEMBLY. WITHOUT taking into
account the GCH" --- Cantor's Law of Perverse Math & CS Assignments.
"The time required for you as a graduate student to understand the difference
between a COVARIANT and a CONTRAVARIANT tensor will ALWAYS be at least 1 semester
plus 1 day, with time counting from the first day of class" --- Einstein's Universal
Law of 'Everyone Flunks Tensor Analysis'.
gαλRλνμσ=Rανμσ⇒
gαμRανμσ=Rνσ
"If you are a smart & promising graduate Mathematics student, you will be
asked to solve a ridiculously HARD/ABSURD problem" --- Princetonius's 'Graduate
Students Should be Prepared for ANYTHING' First Law.
"Or an impossible to solve problem. If you fail, you'll be asked to PROVE why it
can't be solved, mathematically" --- Princetonius's 'Graduate Students Should be
Prepared for ANYTHING' Second Law.
"The sum of a TA's fluency in English and his fluency on the subject matter
equals 1" --- Harvard's 'Most TA's Are Useless' Law.
"A random nxn matrix will be non-invertible" --- Caley's First Law of Perversity
of Linear Algebra.
"One of the eigenvalues of the matrix which models the main problem in your
dissertation, will ALWAYS be 0. No matter WHAT the accuracy of calculations" ---
Caley's Second Law of Perversity of Linear Algebra.
"The SAFEST and QUICKEST way to pass your prelims, is to sell your soul to the
Devil" --- Prelimus's 'Most Prelims Fail' Law.
"To ADDITIONALLY pass your thesis defense, you have to sell your soul a SECOND
time, which virtually guarantees that you will reincarnate again at least TWICE" ---
Doctoroid's 'Most Ph.D.s Flunk' Law.
"If you present your new and revised thesis to your advisor at any time later than 3 years after the initial consultation, he will disappear and stop responding to emails or phone calls." ---
Doctoroid's 'Most Ph.D.s Flunk' Second Law.
"If you present ANY original thesis with complete PROOFS of your own, he will claim sub-parts of it are unsupported by external references, therefore he cannot trust your reasoning in proving ANY of your Theorems." ---
Doctoroid's 'Most Ph.D.s Flunk' Third Law.
"If some of the thesis sub-sections are supported by external references listed in your bibliography, he will ask for reference support for ALL sub-sections, including sections that contain plainly and correctly proved Theorems." --- Doctoroid's 'Most Ph.D.s Flunk' Fourth Law.
"If ALL the thesis' sub-sections are supported by external references listed in your bibliography - yours or such of others, he will ask for one MORE published reference by you that independently validates your most obvious Theorem or Lemma" --- Doctoroid's 'Most Ph.D.s Flunk' Fifth Law.
"If you provide support for ALL sections of your thesis by independently published articles - yours or such of others AND one more published reference by YOU, he will claim that your thesis is not original enough, since it's ALREADY been in those references." ---
Doctoroid's 'Most Ph.D.s Flunk' Sixth Law.
"If NO thesis section is supported by external references, he will pretend he doesn't understand your particular chain of reasoning, for ANY Theorem in your thesis using ANY Lemmas, as there are no EXTERNAL references, so your Bibliography is practically irrelevant/incomplete to ANY section." ---
Doctoroid's 'Most Ph.D.s CAN Flunk' Theorem. Hence:
"The best way to plan and execute an original and prototype thesis is to either 1) STEAL someone else's intellectual property and pass it as your own without your advisor knowing, or: 2a) Quit trying altogether, 2b) Locate your advisor's whereabouts and plan on having a friendly meeting during a nice Spring day's office hours, 2c) Beat the living crap out of him in advance preferably using an aluminum baseball bat, for purposefully and insidiously wasting your time for at least 4 years and 3d) Mouth feed him a paper copy of your thesis until he understands all your thesis' Theorems and lemmas and your chain of reasoning WITHOUT external references." ---
Doctoroid's 'Most Ph.D.s WILL violently Flunk' Theorem.
"On your thesis defense, there will be at least ONE professor who will not
understand a THING from what you are saying and will waste the committee's time
asking all sorts of irrelevant questions" --- Archibald's 'Horror of Thesis Defense'
First Law.
"This professor will KEEP asking you irrelevant questions, until either all THE
OTHER professors (including your advisor) and you become SUFFICIENTLY CONFUSED or a
major thinking flaw is found which will impede the committee's evaluation" ---
Archibald's 'Horror of Thesis Defense' Second Law.
"Your advisor will have a FIST-FIGHT with one of the referees" --- Archibald's
'Horror of Thesis Defense' Third Law.
"After the impediment, you'll be asked to change advisor and re-do your Ph.D.
thesis from scratch" --- Archibald's 'Horror of Thesis Defense' Fourth Law.
"The (presumed by one's advisor) absurd ridiculousness of a certain Ph.D. thesis
varies analogously to the number of (advanced) degree(s) you have times the
importance of your advisor's Ph.D. thesis. Hence, your best chances for Ph.D.
completion are having only a regular degree and be assigned a total moron with an
irrelevant to the subject honorary doctorate, as your advisor" --- The 'Advisors
ALWAYS Know More Than You - And When They Don't, They Won't Let You Find Out Anything
More About The Subject' Law.
"Ph.D.: A SPECIAL paper for CARELESS IDIOTS which certifies that you have worked
HARD and LONG and are now a VERY CAREFUL idiot. You are STILL an idiot however, so
don't you get any FUNNY ideas about your intelligence when you are awarded such a
paper" --- Advisorus' Definition of a Ph.D.
"One of your undergraduate students will prove that important result which you
have been researching for 25 years" --- Euler's First Unexpected Genius Law.
"Your undergraduate students will be mini-Ramanujans" --- Euler's Second
Unexpected Genius Law.
"Your GRADUATE students will include reincarnations of Euclid, Caratheodory,
Gauss, Fermat, Laplace, and Einstein" --- Euler's Generalized Law of Hidden
Geniuses.
"The ONLY student who will ask you to be his advisor will be a reincarnation of
Archimedes" --- Riemann's Advisor's Modus Operandi Law.
"Your mate will get his/her Ph.D. one year SOONER than you" --- Maria's 'Mates
Are Always Smarter' Law.
"You will be assigned to lecture on subjects you know nothing and don't care
about" --- Randomus' First Teaching Assignments Law.
"When you lecture on those subjects, at least ONE student will find an important
mistake in front of the whole class" --- Corollary to Randomus' First Teaching
Assignments Law.
"The number of graduate students interested in taking YOUR specialty graduate
course divided by the total number of graduate students in the mathematics department
approaches 0 from above" --- Uninteresti's Fundamental Teaching Law.
"The distance to the location of the next conference or seminar you MUST attend,
will be directly proportional to your DESIRE to attend" --- Seminarius' First
Fundamental Law.
"If you are the leading expert on the subject of that conference, the seminar
will take place at the nearest STAR SYSTEM" --- Corollary to Seminarius' First
Fundamental Law.
"Your numerical analysis students will be assigned to work on a computer with
machine epsilon equal to 1" --- Cray's Fundamental Law of Numerical Analysis.
"Your university's mainframe O.S. can be understood ONLY by CS graduate students"
--- Cray's Fundamental Law of Computer Labs.
"The probability of ANY graduate student or professor using a rogue substance
(caffeine, nicotine, cannabis, etc) approaches 1" --- Corollary to Rennyi's Law 'A
mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems'.
"The probabilities of you finding a TOE (Theory of Everything) and you being a
crank are exactly equal" --- Uranium's Fundamental Law of Crankiness.
"The Universe will forever remain unexplained by serious scientists" ---
Corollary to Uranium's Fundamental Law of Crankiness.
"Your FOURTH undergraduate physics assignment will be to TEST it.
Non-destructively" --- Curie's Fourth Law of Physics Education.
"After you design and test it, you will be arrested and jailed by the U.S.
government for possessing a WMD" --- Corollary to Curie's Laws.
"Sub-atomic particle trajectories will ALWAYS be random. No matter what the
process" --- Rontgen's Fundamental Law of Particle Physics.
"In most physics and chemistry experiments, energy will be given off as
E=m*02" --- Einstein's Unknown Energy-Mass Relation Law.
"Your advisor will ask you to design and build a fusion reactor" --- Fermi's
Basic Graduate Student Requirement Law.
"The speed of light in the universe varies from 0 to c, CONTINUOUSLY and
UNPREDICTABLY" --- Einstein's Forgotten Relativity Law.
"For your Ph.D. thesis, you will be required to determine the speed of light
using a tape measure and a grandfather's clock" --- Michelson's Perverse Measurement
Law.
"There will be at least ONE professor who as your advisor will want you to design
and test a teleportation machine" --- Goldbloom's First Law.
"When you finally manage to build it, after you test it, you will discover that
not a fly, but a COCKROACH has gotten in and travelled in time with you" --- Kafka's
Corollary to Goldbloom's Law.
"The only advisor available in the physics department at any time, is the
professor who wants to solve Schrodinger's equation analytically for the atoms of ALL
elements and adjust the solution to work even for the yet UNDISCOVERED elements" ---
Mendeleev's 'Analytical Physics Is Fun' Law.
"Your first undergraduate physics lab assignment will be to measure qualitatively
and quantitatively how quickly 1 kg of Hg evaporates in an enclosed environment" ---
The Physics Lab 'Student-Weeding-Process' Law.
"As a graduate physics student, you will be asked to visually record the doppler
shift in the spectrum of any quasar you choose in the Hydra super-cluster using a
pair of binoculars and a small plastic prism" --- Galileo's Requirement Law.
"Theory is when you know everything but nothing works. Practice is when
everything works but no one knows why. Reality is where nothing works and nobody
knows why" ---Murphy's Law for Physics Labs.
"To be hired as a physics professor, you must have published at least ONE
mathematical model of the Big Bang" --- Pauli's First Professor-Weeding Law.
"To be given tenure, you are expected to FIRST complete Einstein's unfinished
Unified Field Theory" --- Pauli's Second Professor-Weeding Law.
"Your last published results on particle acceleration will cause a catastrophic
failure at Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory, as a result of which you will not
only be demoted to Lecturer, but you will also be required to pay for damages at
Fermi" --- Coulomb's Eventual Failure of Advanced Research.
"The number of times you will be required to change apartments in order to find a
respectable job after the acquisition of your Ph.D., will be directly proportional to
the product of the number of books you own and their weight" --- Papardus' Perpetual
Movement Law.
"To be on schedule teaching at school and working at the local Particle
Accelerator as a research scientist, you will need to use a teletransporter" ---
LaForge's First Law of Speed of Transportation.
"The teletransporter will malfunction and crash at least once, leaving you
stranded in Antarctica, in year 3 billion B.C." --- LaForge's Second Law of Speed of
Transportation.
"As a graduate student, your advisor will ask you to determine the mass of a
Higgs boson using a laboratory balance, by performing AT MOST 10 measurements" ---
Graviton's Accuracy of Scientific Measurements Law.
"If you are a teenager, you can almost certainly maximize your chances in meeting
some of these challenges, if you study in a Greek University. The professors there
might oblige you with the hardest exams possible, and it is suggested that you are,
always, as READY as possible. The faster, the BETTER" --- Impossibilitus' Graviton's
Accuracy of Scientific Excellence Law.
"To gain the full wisdom of Life, you have to take a CAREFUL, DEEP and LONG look
inside yourself. And when you do that, you'll find NOTHING there" --- Voidus'
Fundamental Law for the Existence of The Void.
(Source Unkown)
"If you believe that God exists, God will hide for the duration of your life" ---
Abrahami's First Fundamental Law for the Existence of God.
"Either God doesn't exist or he is malevolent: Proof: If God doesn't exist, we
are done. If he exists, he is hiding. If he is hiding, he must be malevolent and
evil, for otherwise there would be no reason for him to hide. Therefore, if God
exists, he is Absolute Evil" --- Joe-anus' Fundamental Law
for the Existence of Evil.
"Not only God exists, he is also your worst fucking nightmare. On a PERSONAL
level" --- Joe-anus' Fundamental Law for the Existence of God.
"Saying that you believe in God is declaring publicly that you know your limits"
--- Protectorius' First Law of Protection.
"Saying that you DON'T believe in God is declaring publicly that you are an
idiot" --- Protectorius' Second Law of UNprotection.
"God, is THAT, which is STRONGER than you, in one or more ways.
Consequently," --- Concealatus' 'One Name of God' Law.
"The question is not whether God exists or not. The answer to that is obvious.
The question is whether he has a sense of HUMOR or not" --- Mysterious' Ultimate
Question of Life.
"IF God exists, he MAY be THAT, which has the power to make your worst nightmares
on a PERSONAL LEVEL come true, IF he wants to. FOR EVER. So be VERY careful about
WHAT you say about him. On the other hand," --- Satanicus' First Law of Absolute
Evil.
"IF God DOESN'T exist, WHO if anyone and if ever, will save you from your
Creator?" --- Satanicus' Second Law of Absolute Evil.
"Religion was invented to SAVE US from our Creators" --- Satanicus' Third Law of
Absolute Evil.
"The imperfect is drawn to the more imperfect, because that's its purpose" ---
First Perfectus' Law.
"There is The PERFECT, but there's also The PERFECT of PERFECTS. Therefore, The
PERFECT of PERFECTS is your judge. Prepare to be judged" --- Second Perfectus'
Law.
"Blessed are those who expect the worst, for they shall not be disappointed" ---
Jesus' Sermon of the Mount First Forgotten Law.
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they cannot fully fathom the predicament
they have gotten themselves into" --- Jesus' Sermon of the Mount Second Forgotten
Law.
"If you do good, expect EVIL to come back to you three-fold. If you do evil,
expect evil to come back to you ONE-HUNDRED-FOLD. However NOTE," --- Jesus' Sermon of
the Mount Third Forgotten Law.
"Doing evil, worsens the state of BOTH you and the one you do evil on. Doing
good, betters the state of at LEAST the one you do good on. Therefore," --- Jesus'
Sermon of the Mount Fourth Forgotten Law.
"You have your own personal nightmares to avoid and people are already in pain,
so why make things worse for them? Things are hard enough for you, ALREADY" ---
Kolastirion's Corollary of Correct Application of Religion.
"Jesus was right when he said: 'Love thy neighbor'. Cause it's the hardest thing
to do, particularly when you realize that EVERYONE HATES you" --- Explanation of the
Jesus Law.
"When good comes your way, rejoice. When EVIL comes your way, welcome it and
accept it, because if you don't, it might harm you much WORSE than how much you
initially thought it would" --- Timorius' Law of Correct Application of Divine
Retribution.
"When you wish well for or praise someone, your wish is granted unconditionally"
--- Patatrak's First Law of 'Love Thy Neighbor' Law.
"When you wish ill for or curse someone, your curse falls BOTH on yourself AND
the one you curse multiplied by a factor of 100" --- Patatrak's 'The Best Revenge is Always to Just Move On and Let Karma Do its Job' Law.
"Don't worry about the world ending in 2012. Or ANYTIME for that matter, because
The Universe likes to keep and TORMENT humanity. FOR EVER" --- Massimus' Law of
Infinite Material Inertia.
"Generally speaking, nobody CARES about ANYONE, unless they have MONEY" --- Supremus' Law of Infinite
Love Inertia.
"The ideal objective of any intelligent human should NOT be to secure survival on
Earth, rather to GET THE FUCK OUT and AWAY from this planet, as soon as possible.
Preferably as far AWAY from this planet as possible and for AS LONG as possible" ---
The Secret Teachings of Buddha First Charismi Law.
"Put another way: Life: A Super-complex universal sequence of operations, which
culminated with the creation of planet Earth. A planet which when you see it from up
there, you'd not want to approach it with a ten foot pole" --- The Secret Teachings
of Buddha Second Charismi Law.
"WHEN and IF you decide to leave, remember that space is synonymous to DISEASE
and DANGER, cloaked in DARKNESS and SILENCE, so you might want to reconsider" --- The
Teachings of Bones Law.
Reincarnation & Karma
"If you are a devout Christian, afterlife will be a Satanic and diabolical realm, after you die" --- Joeanus' First
Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you are Hindu, afterlife will be a dream simulation based on Vedic math.
Hence, its probability of collapse will ALWAYS be GREATER than zero, after which you
will have to reincarnate" --- Joeanus' Third Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you are Buddhist, afterlife will be a Quantum Universe Simulation and you will be REQUIRED to solve
many IMPORTANT difficult problems. If you manage to solve them, by the time you
actually do, you won't be needing to reincarnate again, but you'll STILL be kicked
back on Earth because they'll deem you suspiciously dangerous to the Universe" ---
Joeanus' Fourth Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you are Jewish, heaven will be ruled by an insane & unforgivingJesus who
will repeatedly question your failure to believe in him" --- Joeanus' Fifth Law of
Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you believe in Jesus, heaven will be ruled by the Elders of Watch Tower &
Tract Society, headed by the angry and tormenting Abrahamic yhwh" --- Joeanus' Sixth
Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you DON'T believe in Jesus, you will be advised by 'the Light', to suitably
choose a living couple to serve as PARENTS for your new incarnation. If you don't
listen to the Light, you will be kicked back reincarnated in ANY lower life form 'the
Light' chooses for you. So you better LISTEN to the Light" --- Joeanus' Seventh Law
of Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you are a Jehovah's Witness, the afterlife will be a dreamlike continuous
cycle between total annihilation and Armageddon with YOU assigned the role of
returning Jesus War Commander in Chief, directing all strategic operations. When you
get tired of this role, you'll be kicked back on Earth and reincarnated yet AGAIN, as
a member of the Church of Scientology" --- Joeanus' Eighth Law of Reincarnation &
Karma.
"If you are a devout Muslim, in the afterlife you will have 860 transvestite
sadomasochist ka'ib houris, who will continuously pester you for homosexual
intercourse, until you decide to want to leave and reincarnate AGAIN" --- Joeanus'
Ninth Law of Reincarnation & Karma..
"If you believe in Scientology, in the afterlife you will be time locked back in
time when Xenu bombed Earth with thermonuclear devices. After being tired of
repeatedly witnessing the annihilation, you'll be forced to reincarnate AGAIN, this
time as a traitor Nuclear Physicist who will eventually be hunted down and killed by
any random country's secret intelligence services" --- Joeanus' Tenth Law of
Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you believe in NOTHING (i.e. no metaphysics or religion) or you are an
atheist, there won't BE ANY afterlife as per your belief, and you will simply fade
into non-existence" --- Joeanus' Eleventh Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you believe in EVERYTHING and you are a universalist, believing in ALL
possible religions and metaphysics, you will be reincarnated with the excuse that
your Karma hasn't CLEARED yet" --- Joeanus' Twelveth Law of Reincarnation &
Karma.
"If you Karma HAS cleared at the time of your death, you will be reincarnated
with the excuse that there's NOWHERE to go and all the positions into the higher
Locas are already filled by various holy men, saviors, gurus, sufis or saints, who
won't be eager to leave their posts for your expense" --- Joeanus' Thirteenth Law of
Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you are a Pagan, afterlife will be ruled by FORCE, either by Hades, Odin or
Hercules, who will continuously threaten to beat the sh*t out of you if you don't
reincarnate and leave Elysian fields alone, because you don't really belong there, as
a coward and NOT a HERO" --- Joeanus' Fourteenth Law of Reincarnation &
Karma.
"If you are an ATHEIST scientist of the highest caliber, you will meet The
The Architect, who will explain to you some of the more
elaborate details of the Matrix and how this has been done already SIX times and you
have no chance of changing ANYTHING anymore. So you better CHOOSE to reincarnate
AGAIN, as the Architect is not in the habit of having further adversaries or
anomalies" --- Architect's First Fundamental Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you are a SAINTLY good person who has done nothing but good and has cleared
all Karma at the time of your death, you will be prompted to reincarnate to FURTHER
help humanity, which needs you NOW (and AGAIN). If you refuse, you will be kicked
back AGAIN, with the excuse that you refused to help others, so your Karma has NOT
cleared after all" --- Joeanus' Fifteenth Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you are an EVIL and NASTY bastard or psychopath murderer, you will surely be
annihilated into non-existence. The Universe doesn't like competition or fair play"
--- Joeanus' Sixteenth Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you don't CARE about ANY afterlife, you'll be reincarnated into someone who
DOES care in your next life, such as a highly religious or spiritual but uneducated
person" --- Joeanus' Seventeenth Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you are a SUPER-INTELLIGENT genius who's figured out that you can't escape
reincarnation and try to FIGHT the forces that be after you die, you'll be imprisoned
in Hades/Tartarus or thrown in pitch black Erebus ALONE, for trying to overthrow the
Status Quo. Or you'll be thrown back to be hosted in one of your previous life
descendant's mind, like your son or daughter" --- Bubba's First Unexpected Law of
Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you are a total IDIOT or mentally retarded or cripple, you'll be reincarnated
as a SLIGHTLY improved version of your past self. Not TOO MUCH improved, but I am
sure you'll agree that to be BETTER than non-existence" --- Bubba's Second Unexpected
Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you are Stoic or Epicurean, afterlife will be full of temptations, carnal or
not and will be capitalist, ruled by fake Money, that from the favourite past-time game:
Monopoly. After a while, you'll surely be convinced to WANT to reincarnate AGAIN" ---
Bubba's Third Unexpected Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you are a Communist, afterlife will be ruled by insane fascists" --- Bubba's
Fourth Unexpected Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you are a hardcore Capitalist, afterlife will be full of communist
kibbutzniks" --- Bubba's Fifth Unexpected Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you are a spiritualist-Theosophist, you will be reincarnated as per this very
belief, after being convinced by the lords of Karma, the Lipika, who keep
super-detailed records of all your past lives and NEVER admit that anyone's Karma is
EVER cleared. It is not advised to disagree or try to fight their decision or you may
be reincarnated as a communal cockroach in sewers" --- Bubba's Sixth Unexpected Law
of Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you are an agnostic, afterlife will be a highly complex unexplainable
absurdity. Like being an electron running around inside the circuit board of an Atari
1980's Video Game machine or a Pacman character being chased around by malevolent
ghosts, operated by any random arcade addict fat bully - eating a pork sandwich and
listening to loud punk rock music, who'll never tire and won't quit the game until
he's eradicated you hundreds of times. If you start questioning the game or find a
way to escape the board, the bully may stop and kick you back to be reincarnated as a
blind cripple who has no way to make a living except by begging and pleading to God
for help" --- Bubba's Seventh Unexpected Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you are a Daoist, afterlife will be exactly what you'll expect: Absurdly
inaccessible and non-describable like the Dao, like trying to make sense of a dream:
Fleeting moments of local logical rigidity, sparsely interconnected, all seemingly
driven by an unstoppable and indifferent but ineffable source, nowhere to be found
and absurd as a whole. In other words, exactly like how The Universe operates through
Murphy's Law and Meta-Laws. When you get tired
of it all, you'll WANT to reincarnate, to save your sanity from all the residual
absurdity" --- Bubba's Eighth Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you are a philosophical absurdist, afterlife will be perfectly LOGICAL, an
Angel of the Lord will explain EVERYTHING to you using higher Mathematics and
Philosophy and it will all temporarily MAKE SENSE, in which case you'll WANT to
IMMEDIATELY reincarnate, as to avoid the IMMENSE SHAME for not having figured it out
ALREADY and to have (yet) ANOTHER chance to prove that you are NOT an IDIOT. Of
course, after you reincarnate, you'll (AGAIN) lose all previous memory, so you'll
have to (AGAIN) start from SCRATCH. So good luck with that, too" --- Bubba's Ninth
Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you are a Discordian, afterlife will be a ridiculous & absurd chase
of the most beautiful Goddess, Eris, goddess of strife and discord, who's always
looking for prospective lovers but who always travels having two constant
companions: Ares and Hercules. When one is missing, she's loving the other. Only
when BOTH are missing you have a chance. And then, if you do, one of her
companions will beat the sh*t out of you for fornicating with her, after he finds
out from the Goddess. After you get tired of the relentless beating or chasing
this ghost dream, you'll WANT to reincarnate again" --- Bubba's Tenth Law of
Reincarnation & Karma.
"In short, you only have TWO options in the afterlife: Reincarnation or non-existence.
Choose your beliefs WISELY, while you still can. Or, otherwise put:" --- Joe Anus'
Major Fundamental Law of Necessary and Unavoidable Reincarnation & Karma.
"No matter WHAT you believe about the afterlife, it will be PRECISELY what you
expect the LEAST" --- Joe Anus' Fundamental Corollary to Moracle's Meta-Law for
Reincarnation & Karma.
"If you could realize the full extent of your fuck-up responsible for you being
born on this planet, you'd immediately commit suicide. In which case, you'd AGAIN be
kicked down here, for that very reason - i.e. for not being appreciative of the life
you just terminated" --- Buddha's First Fundamental Law of Reincarnation &
Karma.
Image Source: Google
"If you cannot stand The Truth, you'll have descendants. If you CAN stand The
Truth, you'll be made immortal. In either case, your torment will be UNENDING. In the
latter case from knowing EVERYTHING, in the former from NEVER knowing ANYTHING" ---
Buddha's Second Fundamental Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
"Karma: Life's Law: Pleasure/Pain=constant. Therefore, if you have too much of
either, expect too much of the other, too." --- The Law of Karma.
"Because everyone has FINITE tolerance for pain but INFINITE tolerance for
pleasure and because humans naturally ALWAYS seek pleasure, pain ALWAYS accumulates
as a function of time. Hence," --- First Corollary to the Law of Karma.
"The accumulated pain may strike at ANY future time, in ANY form. PRAY that it
doesn't come ALL AT ONCE" --- Second Corollary to The Law of Karma.
"Said differently: Life, eventually becomes INTOLERABLE" --- Third Corollary to
The Law of Karma.
"The most efficient use of the Law of Karma, is to either become apathetic or to
cause yourself unimaginable amounts of pain IN ADVANCE, to reserve equal amounts of
pleasure for the future" --- Tormentius' First Law for the Purpose of Life.
"If you are a junkie for example, it would be best to commit suicide now, because
the pain that awaits you won't be manageable using ANY kind of drug or painkiller"
--- Tormentius' Second Law for the Purpose of Life.
"Life: UNENDING TORMENT (eventually). Hence," --- Sisyphius Law for the
Purpose of Life.
"The PURPOSE of life is for The Universe to ultimately convince you to want to
die" --- Tormentius' Fourth Law for the Purpose of Life.
"On a higher metaphysical perspective, the purpose of life is for The Universe to
convince you to not EVER want to reincarnate or EVER set foot on Earth again" ---
Tormentius' Fifth Law for the Purpose of Life.
"Only those who have INFINITE tolerance for pain may petition The Universe for
another chance. And then, you get Murphy's Law" --- Tormentius' Sixth Law for the
Purpose of Life.
"If you die in your sleep, you may go into ANY available RANDOM dream which you
may have dreamt while asleep. If you remember this, it will give you NEW COURAGE to
face the next day" --- Tormentius' Seventh Law for the Purpose of Life.
"If you die while awake and you are religious, you will surely reincarnate. If
you are an atheist, you will surely go to hell" --- Tormentius' Eighth Law for the
Purpose of Life.
"If, after death, you petition The Universe for non-existence, The Universe will
GLADLY oblige" --- Tormentius' Ninth Law for the Purpose of Life.
"Only those with INFINITE tolerance for pain set ALL laws of life" ---
Tormentius' Tenth and Final Law of Life.
"Eveything is nonsense - except when not applicable, i.e., to/for MONEY" - Murphy's First Corollary
to Ecclesiastes 1:2.
"Eveything is important but nothing really matters - except MONEY" - Murphy's Second Corollary
to Ecclesiastes 1:2.
"No matter WHO you are or how much educated you are, your opinion DOESN'T MATTER - unless you are RICH. In particular, if you are not rich, even if you possess 10 doctorates in your areas of expertise, expect at least 11 disagreeable expert opinions and at least 100 layman disagreeable such" - Murphy's Third Corollary
to Ecclesiastes 1:2.
"For every true fact x, at least one person doesn't know anything about it and
doesn't WANT to know anything about it" --- Occult's First Law of Forbidden
Knowledge.
"For every non-fact y, at least one person knows something about it and is
willing to teach you for a fee" --- Occult's Second Law of Forbidden Knowledge.
"EVERYONE has a plan, 'til they get PENIS in the mouth'" --- Tyson's Corollary.
"Reality: Your imagination's worst nightmare" ---
Gnocticus' Law of What Is Real.
"If neither now, nor soon nor have started, then things will start going wrong
IMMEDIATELY" --- Murphy's Fourth Law of When Things Go Wrong.
"If most things are going OK, don't worry about it too much. Sooner or later SOME
things WILL go wrong - or some things HAVE gone wrong ALREADY" --- Murphy's Fifth Law
of What to Do When Things Go Well.
"It is IMPOSSIBLE for something good to happen, without something BAD happening
at the same time. However," --- Badluckious' First Law of Random Happenings.
"It is VERY possible for MANY bad things to happen, WITHOUT a good thing
happening simultaneously" --- Badluckious' Second Law of Random Happenings.
"No matter what your plans are and what you achieve in life, there's always going
to be something that will happen which will destroy or set back those plans. For
example, if you find a mate, you will separate. If you find a job, you will be fired.
If you win the LOTTO, you will lose all the Money, etc. In other words," --- Badluckious' Third
Law of Random Happenings.
"Sooner or later, EVERYTHING fails. From marriages, to jobs and friendships" ---
Badluckious' Fourth Law of Random Happenings.
"A mistake can be made in a couple of seconds. CORRECTING a mistake takes several
life-times" --- Punishmus' First Law of Mistakes.
"If, what you are saying/writing about at time t, differs greatly from what you
are saying/writing about at time t+δt, then you have no idea what you are
saying/writing about" --- Punishmus' Law of Good Writing/Speech.
"It's MUCH better to shut the FUCK UP, than say something wrong" --- Punishmus'
Third Law of Mistakes.
"The MORE you read, the LESS you understand" --- Planare's First Law.
"The MORE you try, the BIGGER you fail" --- Planare's Second Law.
"The FASTER you travel, the LONGER it takes to get there" --- Planare's Third
Law.
"The FASTER you move, the MORE traps you fall into" --- Planare's Fourth
Law.
"The SMARTER you are, the STUPIDER people you attract, who will create INFINITE
impediments for you" --- Planare's Fifth Law.
"Wherever you go, THERE you are" --- Planare's Sixth Law.
"The MORE you push for a desired outcome in any situation, the WORSE the result.
Therefore:" --- Pusher's First Law.
"The best EXPECTED outcome will come only after you RESIGN from all your efforts
trying to achieve it. This would STILL be a bad outcome, but it'll be the best of the
worst ones" --- Pusher's Conclusion for First Law.
"The efficiency of transportation is optimal, only when you DON'T use it" ---
Planare's Law of Efficiency of Transportation.
(Source Unknown)
"Common sense says that you cannot please all the people, all the time. Murphy's
Law says that you cannot please ANYONE, ANY time" --- Commonsensus' Law of Efficiency
of Creative Work.
"SUCCESS: An ever decreasing sequence of FAILURES, with limit ZERO" ---
Pamfilius' Definition of SUCCESS in this world.
"There is a solution to every problem, but there is an INFINITY of problems, so
stop wasting time and start working NOW" --- Problemus' First Law of World's
Problems.
"The INFINITE number of PROBLEMS you must solve, has the power of the CONTINUUM"
--- Problemus' Second Law of World's Problems.
"Assume everything. Expect NOTHING, or, alternatively," --- Voidus' Law of Safe
Assumptions.
"Assume nothing. Expect EVERYTHING" --- Unavoidus' Law of Un-Safe
Assumptions.
"MIRACLE: The strange and unlikely phenomenon when The Universe agrees with you
and momentarily and temporarily suspends Murphy's Law" --- First Corollary of
Miraculas' Fundamental meta-Law of Human Experience or 'The First Saintly/Godly
intervention' Corollary.
"Don't just trust miracles. RELY on them" --- Second Corollary of Miraculas'
Fundamental meta-Law of Human Experience or 'The Second Saintly/Godly intervention'
Corollary.
"Those who can, do the work. Those who CAN'T, fuck around and have kids" ---
Apologius' Law of Human Failures.
"Always strive for what you want and desire, despite knowing that you can never
get it. It's the best excuse you have against The Universe for not terminating you
prematurely. Alternatively, you can see it as a pleasant way to spend eternity" ---
Failius' Law of Recurrent and Perpetual Effort.
